IT was quite disarming. Is this what comatose patients feel like? Very unnerving.
Coffee + 2 work deadlines + no sleep + monthly hormonal imbalance + 2 exams tomorrow = IMPENDING DOOM
kill me now.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Impending Doom
Last night, I couldn't keep myself awake to finish a file for work. So I gave myself 2 hours to sleep, hopefully after a powernap, I'd get enough energy to finish the file. Then I heard the alarm going off, my head and my mind wanted to move, but my body didn't. I was literally screaming in my head to move, but I didn't. Only after a few minutes did my body finally respond.
IT was quite disarming. Is this what comatose patients feel like? Very unnerving.
IT was quite disarming. Is this what comatose patients feel like? Very unnerving.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Tuesday's Adventure
Priorities people, priorities.
I rode the LRT to go to my school. I decided that today was the last day of procrastinating the submission of my long overdue paper. I was determined to get it done and over with. So going back to the LRT, I don't really like it very much. I'd rather drive long hours than compromise the boundaries of my personal space. But I have work and I was meeting my friend for lunch, I had to brave the public transport system if I wanted to be prompt for any of my commitments today. It was awful. It was really, really bad. I pretty much survived the trip because I chose to ride the first station of the trip. The rest of Manila had to embrace the awfulness of marginal living.
I use these fancy words because I kept imagining the passengers of the LRT cabs as the chosen ones. Everyone else who did not get to ride the cab were the people who fell outside the margins. And mind you, not everyone of those who didn't get to ride were poor. What I wanted to say to those people, let's call them the marginalized, was "There are alternatives people, other ways of living! There are busses, jeeps, pedicabs, living closer to where you need to be. This does not constitute a respectful way of life, you deserve better! I just got lucky. My mind kept on and on with these snippets of advice and I genuinely felt awful that not everyone could enjoy the luxury I had. Sure, it was uncomfortable and I really really don't like my personal space compromised but I sucked it up and just barreled through. There must be a better way to manage the railway system. They cant keep subjecting their customers to this mental anguish and physical endangerment. I pitied the manong guards and the drivers because they do their best to serve the patrons of the train but they themselves are subjected to so much stress. After alighting my last train ride, I wished that someday they can do better.
So I got through the first step, I got to school, I submitted my paper then I thought, now what? I had to ride that train again and I was hurting. Hurting from the idea that I had to do it all over. My mind was rejecting the idea of wanting to be subjected to that kind of stress once more. But I thought, the rush hour should have passed and I'm going the opposite direction. After riding the wrong train, figuring out my directions, I finally found myself en route to where I needed to go next. There were many routes, but I chose the straight line. The brainless route took the most physical energy - the longest walk, but I'd rather get tired than get lost.
I rode the LRT to go to my school. I decided that today was the last day of procrastinating the submission of my long overdue paper. I was determined to get it done and over with. So going back to the LRT, I don't really like it very much. I'd rather drive long hours than compromise the boundaries of my personal space. But I have work and I was meeting my friend for lunch, I had to brave the public transport system if I wanted to be prompt for any of my commitments today. It was awful. It was really, really bad. I pretty much survived the trip because I chose to ride the first station of the trip. The rest of Manila had to embrace the awfulness of marginal living.
I use these fancy words because I kept imagining the passengers of the LRT cabs as the chosen ones. Everyone else who did not get to ride the cab were the people who fell outside the margins. And mind you, not everyone of those who didn't get to ride were poor. What I wanted to say to those people, let's call them the marginalized, was "There are alternatives people, other ways of living! There are busses, jeeps, pedicabs, living closer to where you need to be. This does not constitute a respectful way of life, you deserve better! I just got lucky. My mind kept on and on with these snippets of advice and I genuinely felt awful that not everyone could enjoy the luxury I had. Sure, it was uncomfortable and I really really don't like my personal space compromised but I sucked it up and just barreled through. There must be a better way to manage the railway system. They cant keep subjecting their customers to this mental anguish and physical endangerment. I pitied the manong guards and the drivers because they do their best to serve the patrons of the train but they themselves are subjected to so much stress. After alighting my last train ride, I wished that someday they can do better.
So I got through the first step, I got to school, I submitted my paper then I thought, now what? I had to ride that train again and I was hurting. Hurting from the idea that I had to do it all over. My mind was rejecting the idea of wanting to be subjected to that kind of stress once more. But I thought, the rush hour should have passed and I'm going the opposite direction. After riding the wrong train, figuring out my directions, I finally found myself en route to where I needed to go next. There were many routes, but I chose the straight line. The brainless route took the most physical energy - the longest walk, but I'd rather get tired than get lost.
Sleep
Right at this very moment, I want to sleep. I don't want to work, I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything that requires me to be awake. But how can I sleep when I still have 2 deadlines tomorrow, 2 exams on Saturday, 3 late papers?
I think this is what they call living in limbo, neither here nor there, neither in hell nor in heaven.
I think this is what they call living in limbo, neither here nor there, neither in hell nor in heaven.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Loser
My arm still hurts from last Sunday's tournament. I joined another tournament and yet again, I lost poorly. I now have a reputation for losing.
Great!
It was terrible, sure, I can blame a lot of things for the loss -- the lack of sleep due to the cramming I did for school and the never ending list of things to do for work. But that's just a bad cop out. I did work for it, not as much as I trained for the one I joined last July-ish, but I did my time. It still doesn't discount the fact that I didn't win. My partner and I (we played doubles) kept the fights close, but we didn't win one game. Boo.
I also think that my nervousness, my cracking under pressure could've gotten the best of me during the tied at 34 moments. I think we lost 2 games (out of the 5 we played and eventually lost) wherein I had control over the last point. We could've won the match if I wasn't shaking like a leaf. Must learn how to control nervousness. Must learn how not to crack under pressure. Jeez as if money was on the line!
One thing I have to point out though, I made some sweet shots which I was surprised that I could do. Well-placed cross court shots and close to the net shots from the back courts were shots I never thought I could pull off. I learned that if I visualize the shot, my arm will hit the ball perfectly to make it happen. Could this be what they call muscle memory? It felt good. Landing well-placed and clever shots felt like winning the lottery. It was putting more brain than brawn to make it work. I have to work harder. I hope I win at least one game in the next one.
Great!
It was terrible, sure, I can blame a lot of things for the loss -- the lack of sleep due to the cramming I did for school and the never ending list of things to do for work. But that's just a bad cop out. I did work for it, not as much as I trained for the one I joined last July-ish, but I did my time. It still doesn't discount the fact that I didn't win. My partner and I (we played doubles) kept the fights close, but we didn't win one game. Boo.
I also think that my nervousness, my cracking under pressure could've gotten the best of me during the tied at 34 moments. I think we lost 2 games (out of the 5 we played and eventually lost) wherein I had control over the last point. We could've won the match if I wasn't shaking like a leaf. Must learn how to control nervousness. Must learn how not to crack under pressure. Jeez as if money was on the line!
One thing I have to point out though, I made some sweet shots which I was surprised that I could do. Well-placed cross court shots and close to the net shots from the back courts were shots I never thought I could pull off. I learned that if I visualize the shot, my arm will hit the ball perfectly to make it happen. Could this be what they call muscle memory? It felt good. Landing well-placed and clever shots felt like winning the lottery. It was putting more brain than brawn to make it work. I have to work harder. I hope I win at least one game in the next one.
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