Opportunity Cost

So last night, I had dinner with a friend after a full day's of shopping at the mall. We had a long drawn-out debate as to whether or not we'd atted a refresher course for our profession or not. It's actually an expensive lecture, spread out in three days. Expensive boring lectures, not quite appetizing. We weighed the pros and cons, the opportunity costs.

What could that fee we'd pay for the lecture otherwise buy?

Movies, shirts, cups of joe, cases of beer, books, we went on and o, making the lecture less appealing. I mean who really wants to attend a boring lecture?

The most interesting opportunity cost that we'd give up the lecture for would be, dinner at Spiral.

And then, I'm convinced that I'd rather have an expensive dinner than sit down for a boring lecture. My friend had been at Spiral before and the way it was described.... ahh. I had dreams about it last night.

Three kinds of chocolate fondue.
Custom-made sushi rolls.
Plates full of freshly grilled lamb.
Shrimp, both shelled and unshelled.

I did dream about having a fantastic dinner at Spiral, in my favorite pretty blue dress. Ahh... Food, glorious food. Nothing can beat that.

Must Hit Save

Yesterday, 4 hours of work went down the drain. I failed to hit SAVE right before the file corrupted. I almost cried.

Beer

Heineken, overrated. Guinness, heavy.
Tsingtao, the smoothest.
Microbreweries, freshly brewed ale, heaven.

Beer is expensive in Singapore, One bottle out there is a case of ale here. Mind you, I drank a reasonable amount when I was there, thanks to a boss whose liver's ironclad. Indeed she is a closet drunkard! There was one weekend, three straight days, we were drinking, from beers to vodka to rum. Totally enjoyed the sangria! I never thought sangria could be so powerful. I thought it was a girly drink, with the fruit juice and the thick rum, but sangria prepared three days and allowed to ferment in the refrigerator can give a kick stronger than the Red Horses out there.

Think like a Tourist, Act like a Local

My recent trip to Singapore was a fun one. Because I stayed there for a month, it was important to budget my dollars well. I had to skip the expensive tourist restaurants/hotspots, and I had to learn how to live like a local real quick. I had to reserve my wide-eyed amazement moments for the weekend, when I can wear the tourist hat and spend a little on "pasalubongs".

Chrissie's checklist in a foreign land:
1. Know exactly where you live. This is important as I wasn't born with an internal compass, I get lost all the time. So the first thing I had to figure out was the public transport to and fro my residence, which took a while.

2. Know how to order food and know exactly what you can and can't eat. I'm not exactly a big fan of hot stuff, but I wanted to try some at Singapore, even if you tell the food vendor to skip on the chili, the food's still spicy! I learned that chili's really good! So now I can take a little bit of heat. I was a little experimental with the food, the range was fantastic, everything was good. Plum powder on sarawak pineapple, yummers.

3. Do not ride the taxis! There was something about right hand drive taxis that really gave me the dizzies. I really didn't like it, other than it was very expensive. The busses on the other had were really fun! I enjoyed the scenic view. Public transport is pretty straightforward and organized, if you know how to read the bus instructions and you know exactly where you are and where you want to go.

4. Invest in comfortable shoes. Singapore is a country where people walked to everywhere. I bought myself a pair of flats that I wore on days that I knew I'd be doing a lot of walking.

More in a bit!

Shame, Potterwatch, Back Pains.

I finally got my hands on a Salman Rushdie book. Here in the Philippines, maybe 2 of his books are on the shelves in the hard-to-find books bookstore. However in Singapore, there were a couple, and one of his books was even on the Best Seller rack. Happiness!

Reading "Shame" felt like reading a commentary on the global issue of Palestine with the slight twist of an epic saga in the making. It was truly one of the most powerful books I've ever read. Maybe Omar Shakil is a real person?

Yes, I saw it, the first part of the seventh Harry Potter. Fans of the book won't be disappointed, it largely remained consistent with the written material. However, one thing really popped up, I realized that JK Rowling used Harry Potter to commentate on the second world war. How familiar is it that an evil man with a grudge against the world, used the concept of righteousness of the Ubermensch to raise the status of the purebloods against the half-bloods, the blood traitors and the muggle-born? WAtching Hermione with a "Mudblood" scar on her forearm is so reminiscent of Holocaust. And that statue inside the Ministry of MAgic, with the muggles being stepped upon by the wizards and witches, that really brought it home.

I am suffering yet again from back pains. This is terrible, after a round of badminton, I realized that indeed it was foolishness to not warm-up properly. EVerytime my lower back muscles tense up, I feel a shot of pain. Lesson learned. Though, this makes me go back to the last time I was in this much pain for my lower back. MAkes it even more painful so to speak.

Kapow.

Yey, it's dairy dash time! Finally free enough to do some bad-ass dashing!

In the middle of crisis management today (two deadlines, both overdue, both draining of the the brain cells), a friend sent a message.

Why do some people bargain and some don't?".

Got me thinking right away, but didn't really have the time to do some writing about it. I had to have a witty answer of course, so I replied, "Because they don't choose to, they don't want it anymore."

And the reply I got to that was, "Hitting the nail right on the head."

Of course.

Seize it, today.

The prepwork for going abroad for work has left me feeling ambivalent, I am almost too distracted to function in normal conversation without my thoughts floating towards the eventual departure. What's four weeks right? And after this, a solid job offer. Wow, almost too good to be true, it's almost unreal.

The last time I asked that question, "Is this for real"? I got into so much trouble I'm still paying for it when I let go of pushing it out of my brain. Sure, that's all in the "Seasons Past" bucket, but when I remember having that bucket around...

Just Cause

Today, I was told by the Boss, "So are you ready to leave anytime soon?". I replied nonchalantly, while playing Tower Defense, "Sure, Oct 8 right?". Quick reply goes, "No, soon, real soon.".

Then the panic crept in. Of course when you're leaving for another country and staying there for a while, you need to prepare clothes, rations, etc. And as the true procrastinator that I am, I delayed it for as long as I could -- until I was told that soon could arrive much sooner than anyone expected. I am a backpacker, I don't travelling into some foreign land with a bag with wheels. Luggage-style bags are for jetsetters and businessmen, I'm neither. I'm an explorer and I'd like to believe that I can do with very little. Or maybe I'm just way too lazy to pack a bag with wheels.

Dream Car

Yesterday as I plowed through the morning traffic en route to my exam, I saw an old beaten up green volkswagen beetle. It was a gem amidst the regular traffic. It looked like it was older than me. It had rusty corners, and the paint job was peeling, the trunk paint was a darker color compared to the rest of the body. But it was still the prettiest thing on the road.

When asked what my dream car is, I always say, a cute little two door red beetle. I remember the only time I was able to ride one. My brother borrowed his friend's beetle for a drive, I was at the back and in the front passenger seat was "Ninang Angin", his now wife then girlfriend. I think I was 5 or 6 then, but I remember it so clearly. It was bright yellow, it didn't have an airconditioner, and it was a noisy car. It was the coolest thing ever, and it actually was my inspiration to drive in my adulthood. Someday, this'll be my ride.

I can see it now, with the top down, cruising along the countryside, with the wind in my hair. One day, that cute little red beetle will be my ride home.

Lockdown

Lockdown starts TODAY.

I am focused like a lightbeam on Friday's Finals. Yes, this is the finish line and I have to do well on the final leg. I am left without time to procrastinate, the delay fish is on the grill and soon be served up with a side of laziness and a plateful of excuses.

It's time to kick ass!

Soft, sweet shots. (Not the alcoholic kind)

I need help.

Can somebody please tell me how to return an offensive shot without giving it to the opponent? I can't seem to command my forehands and backhands to not return said offensive shot to the opponents direction, so much so that he/she will return the shot back twenty-five times stronger either as a full on smash (I actually got clobbered tonight, thrice) or a soft shot in the opposite direction. I obssessed about it tonight, but I can't overcome it. Then there's the service, I need to learn better service shots. I'll float around youtube, figure out a way around my weakness.

I believe that Badminton is my way of playing lazy tennis. I used to be a varsity tennis player, though for the record I was only in the reserve B team, our A team was the strongest in the league so I played few tourneys in my career, but I trained as much as the A team and had as much fun (without the pressure of competition) in the process. I've not unlearned my basic forehand and as such it translates heavily on my badminton moves. But recently, I've learned to unlearn my tennis and play real badminton, intelligent, strategic, powerful badminton. I run better now and have better foresight of offense and defense. I'll probably still be a work in progress for quite some time, but I realized tonight that I can work on my weaknesses, as a true badminton player.

On the positive side though, I landed the SWEETEST soft shots tonight. I was surprised that I could land one, let alone two,(yes I counted), I landed 5! Just a tad bit more, and I can kill them with my demure absolutely-no-recovery soft shots. Sure I'm no Ginger nor will I ever be of Jojo-calibre, but I've come a long way, and kill me for riding out my confidence tonight.

Sweet soft shots, wapak.

One Less Thirty

I'm still nursing a residual hangover from one of the rockstariest weekends ever. I am barely connected to the consciousness of the world at the moment, and as such, I had just asked our staff to procure some pineapple juice. I don't exactly know how this works, but one never questions the potent ability of a good hangover remedy.

Methinks ... I've so much to write about, but currently without enough coherence to do so. It's like my brain cells are enjoying a weekend at a remote island and frolicking in the sand. I am not even cognizant of the time.

I need a nap.

Mrs. De Lima, Thank You.

I've been watching the ANC live coverage of the DOJ inquisition/ fact-finding of the Quirino grandstand hostage taking since it started. And I have to give it up for Mrs. De Lima for taking the lead to answer the questions malingering in the minds of many Filipinos. Having this aired on TV clarifies many things about what truly happened.

Sadly, the PNP is flawed. They better get ready for the onslaught from the international community, most especially the Hongkong government. I hope that the Aquino government rehabilitates the police force ASAP. What an embarassament to the international community if we continue having ill-trained, ill-equipped local policemen. No wonder the Abu Sayyaf in Mindano hasn't been quelled, no wonder private armies are prevalent among the rich and the powerful, no wonder it still scares me to ride the public commute past sunset.

Must study, I hope the Boss doesn't pass on work today.

But It Doesn't Really Matter

I wrote this phrase on my bathroom mirror.

This is to remind me of the true nature of my journey. It doesn't matter how many times I have the bumper of my car fixed, I know I'll keep hurting this car with my driving skills. It doesn't matter how many times I have to nurse sprained ankles and strained muscles, I'll keep on running, I'll keep on playing badminton and yes, I'll keep training in the aerobics class even if I can't even sway with the music. It doesn't matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I'll keep on rising each time and brushing off the hurting. It doesn't matter how many times I have to find my eyeglasses, I know I find them every time I lose them.

I took time off my life to figure things out. Well I came up with a list with what I have figured out so far.

1. Apparently, I enjoy wearing make-up, thanks to my pretty niece Cathy, I've finally acquired the necessary skills to wear proper make-up. I may not be a Ms. Universe candidate, not really my major major cup of tea if you ask me, but I feel better and look more organized with a bit of color on my face.

2. I need to train consistently to keep my energy levels up. Thanks to endorphins, I have a stable source of second wind fuel. I am the laziest person I know, but if my chest is abuzzing with a dose of endorphins, I have to burn this excess energy by working out. I can go through my days feeling like I can do everything (of course with periods of procrastiation in between).

3. But then again, I figured out that I don't have to do everything. Yes, I finally toned the restlessness and the messianic complex to a minimum. Daily activities, simple in its range of activities are surprisingly pleasant. So as I enjoy this sabbatical from the busy, I'm actually looking around and smelling the roses. I'm enjoying this break until I've found that sweet comfortable pace that I can tune my life into.

4. It takes a lot of discipline to be a distance learning student. It's so hard to read school books, but once I have my mojo on, it's game time. And paying for school takes it up a notch. Yes, I paid for grad school, so that changes the dynamic of the game. I am doing this completely on my own. It's quite scary, I must admit.

So yeah, I'm focused like a light beam on the things that really matter. After all, why waste good energy on those that don't?

No way, 10lbs!

As an official member of the Burgundy Biggest Loser Club, I had my official weigh in last Friday. I was surprised that I raked in 7lbs short of what I was expecting. Invigorated by such bewildering news, I venture to share a round of Taebo with the other members of the Club. Then played 3 hours of badminton thereafter. Fantastic. I was literally crawling out of the courts in pain.

Then yesterday, I was still in major major disbelief of the progress I've made, so I went and weighed myself in my momma's scale. Her scale has a tendency to add more than what you actually weigh. So in order to have a more realistic view of things, I decided to check my weight on her scale. And instead of 7lbs, it read, 10lbs. No way, I've lost ten pounds since I started training? In spite of the fluctuations? Still?

The definition's coming back, I fit my clothes better and less out of breath when on the treadmill. Perhaps the hours in the gym, on the road running, playing badminton, embarassing myself in various aerobics classes at the gym are paying off, finally.

No more beer. I'm done with that.

Figuratively and literally. I've finally arrived at the finish line.

Must maintain it though, and keep losing them LBs.

Passion Sings the Most Beautiful Goodbye

Sometimes I dont understand
Why I thought that I had
All the time in the world
To go and see you awhile
For just a little while.

Too caught up in my own life
I didn't see the pain you hid with a smile
And now you're not here with me
Shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright

Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then I'd be here by your side
Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won and he said well done
My faithful servent well done

Too many times in our lives
do we take things for granted
I dont understand it, no
When its right in front of our eyes
Thinking they would be here for all times

Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then you'd be here by my side
Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won

Wish that I had done just a little more
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that god holds your life
Your battle is finally won
Wish I knew how to turn back the hands of time
Cus maybe then I'd be here by your side

Wish that I had done just a little more for you
Wish that I could see you one more time
But I know that God holds your life
Your battle is finally won
And God said well done

----
There is truth in his song. When you know they're in a better place, and yet you still miss them, wishing you did more for them.

Bring It On.

The former room mates have rejuvenated the proposal for the Burgundy Biggest Loser competition over pizza and lasagna yesterday. Least amount of percentage weight lost in one year pays for a Red Crab dinner. Isn't it ironic that the grand prize defeats the journey towards achieving the goal? Oh well, that restaurant's really expensive and we really like their "Maritess" crabs.

Bring it on, I am on a mission to win this competition, as per clocking in more hours at the badminton court, doing more runs at the gym and at the roads and being enslaved by my arch-enemy, Oatmeal. I am going to win this one girls, better watch out.

The Ber Months

September's round the corner, in comes the "ber" months. Speak of such to any non-Filipino, they will not understand what that means. But every Filipino understands this phenomenon of the "ber" months perfectly well. Radio station deejays will start counting down to Christmastime and consequently, start playing Christimas songs. Yes, we do saddle up for the holidays quite early. Malls will once more be flocked with buyers and houses will be fully adorned with their respective versions of the Christmas tree. The nights feel longer during these months, the wind a bit chilly than the months before it. HBO and the Hallmark channels often do reruns of modern Christmastime movies such as my favorite, "The Holiday". Gotta love the Jack Black-Kate Winslet team-up. My favorite scene being the one where Al Pacino glances at them while they scour the halls of the movie rental shop for movies with unique and popular theme songs. It's so geeky and cute.

Christmas is my all-time favorite holiday, it's so happy and hopeful. The food, the gifts, the parties, the merriment, these are all fine and good. But for me the best part is that this is the calm patch that reminds us to be appreciative of life.

Painful to Watch Barbecue On TV

Senators grilling policemen, <-- too painful to watch, the flavor of barbecue malingers. But this is the kind of TV drama that needs to be drilled into the psyche of people. Understand that there is so much to be fixed in this broken government, make the government accountable to fix it.

These policemen had an opportunity to be great, but instead, here they are, drowning in a sea of systemic, protocol failure. Not enough gas masks, not enough training, bad judgement calls, uncontrolled media men, buying jollibee for generals. Even Gen. Magtibay seems dazed and confused. Men in uniform with grand titles as Senior Inspector, Chief Negotiator, Captain, etc, all flow down the drain simply because of systemic, protocol failure. Where did the millions for appropriate equipment and training go? To their fat bellies I presume.

Sadly, tourists are now even more scared to venture into this country. How can the tourists, whether Chinese nationals or otherwise, possibly enjoy a weekend here in Manila if the threat of being killed mercilessly on the streets is a possibility? No wonder they were quick to call discouragement to travel to the Philippines. I like travelling alone, going to a country where I feel safe in, and according to my standards this country, sadly my own home country isn't one country I'd travel to alone. Think about it? Rogue policemen can't even be controlled by their own, what more the real hardcore terrorists? I'm a local, and I'm scared. Who do I then trust for this country's security?

They need to fix the system from the inside, and in this case, a certain hostage taker Mendoza lit the timebomb. There is EPIC failure in the systems that the government has in place. It failed for Mendoza and his lack of grievance box, it failed for the Chinese nationals who died on vacation, it failed for the foot soldiers who knew nothing better, it failed for the media men who were unlikely accomplices for this mess, it failed for the generals who just want a nice fat retirement. EPIC failure. No one person can take the blame for all of this mess simply because the failure is thickly ingrained into the roots that the government stands on. Awful.

Media Frenzy

En route to my regular Badminton game at Metro last night, I listened to the clearest AM feed on my car radio. Tado and the Brewrats had to take the backseat to the hostage-taking drama happening at Manila. The feed from the AM channel was very disjointed, on some occasions, the field reporters were out of breath, seemingly part of the whole action, and at certain occasions, the reports weren't so clear, with rain, gunshots and shouts echoing at the background. It really wasn't making much sense because I suppose, things were happening on site and people, whether it be policemen, media reporters, bystanders were all jumpy with excitement.

As far as I'm concerened, this was a fiasco, I've watched too many CSI and Numb3rs episodes to know that the circumstances surrounding this event could very well lead to a disaster.

Surely, this hostage-taker meant business. HE had a fully loaded automatic machine gun, and as a decorated cop, he probably knew what he was doing. Or so we all presume about him. As I checked fezbook this morning, I came across a reference to the case this hostage taker wanted reviewed by the ombudsman or whoever took away his privileges as a retired cop. Yes, he was accused of extortion, and through a viral email, was forever ruined. Down with his career went his AFPSLAI red book pension, perhaps he believed that these benefits were worth fighting for. But was that what he was indeed fighting for? I doubt it.

He wanted to be heard, he wanted to shake this viral email fiasco off him, if what he claims is true, that he really isn't a bad cop, then why this rogue method of fighting the system? Couldn't he just have used media to propel an assault on this Christian Kalaw instead of terrorizing the country and these Hongkong nationals with guns and the threat of having them killed? There are ways to fight a battle without guns, he should've known that because he was a victim of such. He can still regain the respect he so desperately fought for, only he should've used methods that were far less deadly in order to be actually heard. Can you actually listen to what an armed man is saying when he's pointing that gun to someone? In Filipino, we'll ordiarily say, "Um-oo ka na lang."

Then you have the media, jumping at every opportunity. Come on, the whole brother throwing a fit outside the police station, why blow that up at that instance when the media very well knew that the hostage taker had access to a television inside his locked up bus? The hostage taker had his finger at the trigger the whole time, give him a reason to pull it, he will. And so he did. The media, perhaps reflective of this, "usisero" culture we have as Filipinos was in a quandary. They were reporting what they felt compelled to report and yet, they were indirectly causing a chain events that could have very well been avoided.

The reporter at ANC today grilled Isko Moreno, asking him repetitively the What if's questions. What if the brother was contained right away and didn't throw a fit, could things have ended peacefully? What if the negotiators gave the hostage taker more than what they had given, would he have released all of the hostages? What if the SWAT team had better training, could less hostages have been killed? These what if questions are dried water under the bridge.

Again, let me repeat, he had a fully loaded automatic machine gun and a finger on the trigger. Alright, he had something important to say, but sadly nobody wanted to listen because all that everyone could see was that he had that loaded gun aimed at someone. His message of "Get my case reviewed! Now na!" fell on deaf ears because the situation was too tense, too scary and too inevitably deadly.

So what now? Learn. Policemen should have better skills, find a grievance box somewhere if you have something against someone. Choosing to be rogue will not get you anywhere. Mediamen please be careful with your actions, best in Tagalog perhaps, "Wag magpadala sa kaguluhang nagaganap."

Unreasonably Slow

Today of all days, my brain is unreasonably slow. I figured I'd write something here to get my blood going, but even this requires so much energy. I still feel exhausted from the prepwork for midterms. As a distant learning student, it's so easy to forget that I'm a real student. The exams yesterday were difficult but I'd say reasonable, I mean with better prepwork, I know I can do better next time.

So much to do. So little energy, so slow this brain today.

Special Needs

As a consequence of sparring with a new badminton crew, I perchanced to have met a new friend. He told me during our break time, that he has a child with special needs. As I dug deep into my nursing experience and theoretical training, when people use the phrase "child with special needs" they usually refer to children with autism. True enough, he told me that she's non-verbal and is undergoing intensive therapy on a regular basis.

And then he said this after telling me much of his story: "Actually, I won't be the person I am now if she hadn't been made part of my life.".

Now that got me to thinking. Provided that I'm taking up my Masters, it's been three days now since I started intensively studying my books on Theoretical Nursing, coming across words like cognition, developmental theories, systems theories, adaptation, cultural vs inherent capacity. My mind was flooded with interconnecting thoughts, these things are finally making sense to me, but before I share those thoughts. Let's go back to my new friend.

Given that I suffer from really bad muscle cramps when I exercise, I like to take breaks in between playing. During one break time, I crack open my new pretty red book, Mark Haddon's the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I've been lagging on my leisurely reading lately as the school and work load take priority on the read list. Then as I was reading it, my new friend says to me, "Hey, I know that book. Do you know he's autistic?". I said, "Huh, the lead guy in this book's autistic?". He said, "Yeah.".

Again, my brain flooded with thoughts. I just thought that the lead character in this book was an ordinary guy, only eccentric and a little off from the ordinary norms. Come to think of it, quite simply phrased, a guy with special needs. In this book, the lead character's been trying to figure out who killed his neighbor's dog as such revealing an unusual perspective on life and things, like an aversion to all things yellow, preference of odd numbers over even and a systemic discomfort with new experiences and new faces.

Come to think of it, don't we all have special needs? Like me for example, I believe that my body needs more exercise than other people, hence, if I don't exercise (run, go to the gym, play badminton), I tend to gain weight, feel the back pain that resulted from an injury I've suffered a couple of months back and and consequently laze more than usual. I need the jolt of endorphins to get me going through my days to maintain some semblance of being healthy. So that's my special needs. We all have special needs, and autistic children are no different from us -- the so-called "normal" people.

I've always subscribed to Neuman's Systems Theory in my practice of nursing. People generally develop a core that they protect with lines of defenses against stressors and external threats. These lines are influenced by their genetic makeup, developed perspective of life, adherence to cultural norms and inherent stability.

So when you apply this to children with special needs, these kids develop differently from the norm because they were born with a different set of tools to begin with. They build their lines of defenses and strengthen a core that varies from the accepted "normal". The environs often are asked to maintain congruence with children of special needs instead of the other way around. Parents and caretakers mold the environs a little different in order for the children to thrive. I recently watched an episode of Maricel Laxa-Panganiban's Momworks where these children were featured. One guest explained how her family's life and dynamic were completely changed by having a son with special needs. Her life wasn't delimited but rather enhanced and made better by her son. She is one proud mother, perhaps as proud as any other mother of every other child. She learned from her son the power of life, how it can be made special no matter how unusual the circumstances are for her fmaily. Having a special needs child doesn't necessarily equate to difficulty, rather it denotes opportunity to be great in spite of apparent difficulty.

Children are engaged in life through their parents. Guided and allowed to grow under the care of adults, children often reflect their caretakers and mirror, they become little versions of their parents. Too often though, parents will succumb to the reality that these children, the very children they are expected to mold, mold them to be better versions of themselves. The circle of life continues on.

Randomness Part 3

It's raining cats, dogs, and kitchen sinks. Here we go again with the never ending rain, the flash floods that strike fear in the heart of drivers with automatic cars and yes, the gloomy mid-days that feel like forever. Sure, the rain will be a big help to the depleting water supply, yey for water but the rain is just another excuse to take a nap even if it's not time to take one.

In my randomness today, amidst the pressure from the boss to assume the panic mode, I searched for a stapler. And couldn't find one. The search took me about 15 minutes before waving the white flag.

I think I need another cup of coffee.

Mastering the Art of Drunkenness

Yesterday, I was useless. I was supposed to study for my pre-lim exams, run at least 3 of my daily 5k regimen, log-in some mileage on my Tolstoy and run my purchasing at the mall errands.

By 3pm, still nothing. I wasn't even making sense of the TV that I was watching, these CSI guys seem to be talking faster than usual. So I commanded my noggin to make sense of the show as a measure of my ability to absorb information as I readied myself to read my schoolbooks (that's one to many "as"ses <-- I'm being random again)

20 minutes into CSI, still nothing was making sense. I set the books aside - Tolstoy and Schoolwork, I was going to waste my time pretending that I could absorb anything.

So then I figured I can haul my lazy ass to the gym, if I can't use my brain on things that require thinking, I might as well do some physical training, that shouldn't require brain cells right?

There I was aboard the treadmill, still procrastinating, still with a blank gaze. As I paced to run, I could feel my heart literally pushing against my ribs, I was hurting by the drinking. I could feel the last of Mr. Tanduay pounding in my chest, I was out of breath by the first kilometre that I was left to walk the usual run. I had to finish the 5k that I committed to, I knew I could crawl it if necessary, which I eventually did.

So then I told myself, that's some progress, at least I was able to do some training in spite of the fact that I did some drinking the night before. Mind you, I'm not really good with managing the hangover feeling just yet. Pineapple juice works, I downed a liter of it, which really helped, or so I think. How come it didn't address this surge of blank thoughts?

Then I braved the mall for the purchasing errands. Then again, I may have pushed my luck too far, I was back to being useless. I scoured the mall, and nothing, zilch, my brain was feeling defeated by the thinking it was asked to do because the mall chugs out too many choices, I could not comprehend the complexity. I was exhausted.

So there, useless all because I've only started training my liver to take in alchohol recently, in this prime age of my late 20's.

Yes, that is my biggest regret in life, I didn't drink enough in college.

The Drink List

I realized that I've developed a preference to certain concoctions whilst having aversion to some. I've never had rum coke before and last night was my introduction to Mr. Tanduay. Suprisingly pleasant. So yeah, I'd take rum coke/ rum sprite and definitely enjoy it. It's sweet taste is good for me, and chugging down a couple of tall glasses of it is all good for me.

Beer sits well in my books, especially if it's the Super Dry kind with the San Miguel line. Imported beers are good, provided they're the light brews, I can't manage the Guiness just yet. Red Horse, I'm afraid to try.

Vodka... I have nightmares about Vodka. Needless to say, I was young and hopeful when I first tried drinking vodka, I didn't enjoy the experience so the gag reflex with this alcohol is high, even the smell of it turns my stomach.

Gin, although initially I liked the taste of gin. Liking too much of something may have led to its demise in my list. In a noisy bar months ago, I drank one too many bottles of the Gilbey's brand (the green tea kind) that got me into some awful gag-reflex inducing action. I've never taken that many trips to the public comfort room before. I felt awful and I never want to replicate it so everytime gin's on the table, I take a pass.

Tequila's my best bet so far. I enjoy the straight up kind, with salt and lemon, and I also enjoy it with sweeteners and the food coloring, Margarita style. I had gotten drunk one time on this, screamed my head off during regular conversation but still no gag reflex and no bad-ass hangover the morning after which made it all good in my books if you ask me. I prefer to order this when I'm in a bar, as opposed to the usual beer.

Scotch, Johnny version is classic and cool to the lips. I heart this drink when it's on the table. The thick smell and the smooth trip down the pipes ranked this drink as one of my favorites. Feeling good after is an added bonus. This drink, taken slowly with the ice melting is like having a slow conversation with a fond friend, it gets more interesting over time. Such an old man's drink, but such a young girl's fancy as well.

Wine is tough on the senses. I tend to veer away from it because it's just too heavy and too fragrant for my taste. If given an option between red and white, I tend to lean towards the white variety, the refreshing-almost-like-grape juice taste is good enough for me. Although, developing my palette for this alcoholic concoction may be beneficial over time as people tend to drink wine as they get older. I suppose beer get's old at some point, that's why they there's tendency to drink fine wines.

Whisky, I'm too afraid to try just yet.

Chuck Klosterman is a Rockstar.

"Eating the Dinosaur" is his latest release and I recently procured a copy because I needed to buy a book that would make my updated to-read list a bit more eclectic than it already is.

Here's my non-work, non-school to-read list.

I was gifted with Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love from my Balikbayan sister, I asked for Rushdie's Satanic Verses but she said she felt the title sounded so off so she bought me a lighter, more pleasant book instead. I told her Rushdie isn't a bad man. She laughed at me as I tried to convince her not to judge a book by its cover, or in this case its title.

I bought a Tolstoy, because I figured I haven't finished reading a Russian's work might as well try one out. I tried a Dostoyevsky a couple of years back, but I was too confused with the proper nouns, they all sounded alike. The little bit that I got to read of "War and Peace" wasn't too bad, I figured I'm ready, I'm up for the challenge. Bring it on, the pages, the small font, the Royalty wars.

Then because I am attracted to books with a red cover, I had to buy one. My best bud, resident book geek Francis recommended Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. I've been asking him to lend me his copy but alas, he keeps forgetting so I bought a copy of it. It really does help that the cover's red and it has an inverted dog on the cover, I'm intrigued. Plus I always rely on Francis to recommend for books to read because he's well-read and a book fan. Did I just contradict my belief of judging books by its covers?

Going back to Chuck Klosterman as a Rockstar, I'm a few chapters in and it's really good. Although I have to admit, I am not familiar with his choice of references in his writing half of the time. I am quite proud of myself that I know that Jeff Beck is a guitarist and that I've listened to Nirvana's Kurt Cobain belt out his misery. I can imagine Chuck as that guy people gravitate to during "inuman". He actually posited a quandary in his book, he said it was his favorite inuman question, he asked, if you had 15 seconds to go back in time to your 15 year old self, what exactly would you say? I really enjoyed reading his overthought, geeky answer to this. I won't do his work justice by putting it up here, so buy the book! Haha, I am such a crazed fan. I have yet to read the rest of this book and secure his other works, the only other piece I've read before was IV. His take on American pop culture is just fun to read, it's bordering geeky. He's an intelligent word user and deeply profound in a non-effacing way. This is probably why I enjoy reading blogs that are self-referential but not in a gag-inciting overly self-absorbed way.

I gotta stop writing and get back to my reading. It's so much fun to be a geek.

Random Zombie Thoughts

I am on my nth cup of coffee and still a zombie! I still have one more deadline to push through. I am so dead if I don't make tomorrow's do-or-die deadline.

Thanks to youtube, I have been able to enjoy a myriad of songs from a lot of different artists. Interestingly enough, I have a very disjointed taste in music. Just take a look at today's playlist.

Bag Raiders Fun Punch, Shooting Stars and Turbo Love
Usher There Goes My Baby, Love Looks Good on You, I Love You Too
Freestyle Half-Crazy
Green Day One 21 Guns
MAE Reflections, Release Me
Madonna Secret
The Script Before the Worst
Kjwan One Look

House music by the Bag Raiders ROCK! These guys are my get-up-and-go musicians. When you're on your 23rd zombie hour, one bad-ass upper's required and these guys do it for me.

Something to think about.... How do you eat your pasta? Do you mix it so that the sauce is evenly distributed, so that every bite is the same as the last one? Boo for you. You're boring. I realized that eating pasta without mixing it makes the experience exciting and unpredictable. There are times that you barely get a hint of the sauce, then there are times that the noodles are dripping with sauce.

Zombiefied.

Taking A Moment To Procrastinate

Before I drown in a sea of deadlines, let me hum a tune from a band that was introduced to me by my niece. It has such a catchy tune, so easy on the ears.

Release Me by MAE

if you'd get next to me and help me find simplicity
then you could be the one to take me, to break me
and flood my soul

at first this cloud burst is pulling us under
lightning and thunder
rain falls and you take me under
and flood my soul

could you be the one to release me
oh, release me
waiting for your love
oh, to free me
so, release me

Wait one more song, gotta love the rockstars crooning slow. Reminds me of The Script.

Reflections by MAE

Too quick to fall asleep again to find you
I'm rushing through a dream I can't control
This house of mirrors beckons us to walk through
But instead again I'll have to let you go
Stuck here in this stare
Revealed beyond the glare
Again you're gone
So throw a stone through these reflections
Scatter light in all directions
And sing this song

Reflection
Is all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching
Over and over again
(Over and over over and over over and over over and over)

When does this physical
Meet with the spiritual
Is this the typical question?
But doubted of the up above
It looks the same
So I'm not so sure of anything
Where we'll have come from again

Alright, procrastination time over, must go back to work.

My Sister, the Comedic Thinker

My sister and her kids have been staying with us here at Taytay for their Manila vacation, but there are days that we stay at their crashpad at Makati and have a condo-party because the trek out back to Taytay is invariably painful (that is for me the designated school bus driver).

My sister is a class-act comedian, I swear she cracks the craziest jokes without her even knowing it.

So it was past 3am in the morning, the three of us were on the gigantic bed, Ate, my niece and me. We had a post-Usher concert analysis for my crazed-fan niece. As I started feeling the powers of sleep overcome me, my sister comes up with a game, "Unahan matulog panalo." Then my niece started to laugh and I felt my sleep fade, my sister continues on, "Eh paano natin malalaman kung sino panalo?", we laughed some more. We come up with checks and balances of this game and end up falling asleep in the process. Sige nga, paano mo malalaman kung sino panalo sa larong ito?

Oh by the way, I won that contest, I don't know how we figured that one out.

Then there's the curtain-less bathroom windows. The major bathroom of the crashpad has a full wall of windows, of which was exactly opposite the set of windows of the adjacent building. Let's just say it's not a good idea to take a shower when the curtains are being laundered. This was the case last Friday, the curtains were in the laundromat and we were stuck with using the other tiny bathroom. Then my sister goes on to say while drinking her twice warmed coffee, "Teka, so paano kung super kailangan mo nang gamitin yung banyo, anong gagawin mo?". I and the other children come up with, we're so going to hold it until the tiny bathroom becomes available, knock at the neighbor's door, etc. Then she blurts out the best answer with the straightest face possible, "Ako, I'd look for a towel, drape that over my head and use the bathroom." We laughed until our sides hurt. Only she can come up with that.

Isaw Burp and Off Tangent Thoughts

Yesterday, I took my sister and her kids to UP, they've been wanting to eat Isaw the day they arrived here at Manila. I promised them the full experience, including the Jeepney ride, although after much protest, we were only aboard a jeep 1/8th of the whole journey to-and-fro the house. Boo. They said they've been dreaming about it since I last brought them to the "isawan" four years ago.

And the irony of it all was that the night before yesterday, we were at Rockwell, watching KC's "I'll Be There", surrounded by people who pretend like there are no poor people in the world.

Ayos.

Again with the amazement with the Manong Jeepney Driver. The multi-tasking skills is just amazing, how can one person manage to do all of it: do math, drive without killing anyone, talk to the passengers, make sure all the passengers have paid, and TEXT. The complexity of being a jeepney driver is just bewildering.

Still don't know if I should get a haircut, I mean, I've been growing my hair long since last year and I've been planning on getting some bad-ass curls, but then again, I'm getting tired of buying conditioner every 5 days and managing everything else that goes with it. If I cut my hair short, I might have a hard time with the training, by the way, of which I haven't done any of for the last couple of days. I am gaining weight as I sit my ass here and write this. This is a set-back, but the good kind of set back. Spending time with Ate and her kids is taxing on the weight management but it's so much fun. Somehow, I feel like a kid again, not having to worry about broken hearts and income taxes, just plainly enjoying experiences for what they are. Simple, easy fun.

So yeah, I'm spending the next four hours on the treadmill, down a liter of banana juice and maybe get some work done today and maybe advance a bit on my readings. (There is a lot of procrastination to do also, gotta squeeze that in my schedule.)

Icebox

I need to wash my hair before going to the hospital tonight. Apparently, left on its own, I have wavy hair, big curls that need to be tamed with conditoner or gel or something. What can I say about this latest hospitalization, I'm missing Abby but I'm glad Ate's here, although Ate's so busy with their reunions, at least, I don't feel so alone.

Everything Usher touches is made even more beautiful, Omarion's Icebox is cool to the ear with Usher crooning in the background.

Running with my not so much of a bad-ass Shoes

There was something about the full moon last weekend that I feel inclined to do some blogging today. Last Satruday was largely uneventful, save for the fact that I attended the UPOU Orsem in the morning and that my friend Sandee and I started training together that afternoon. We are gearing up for the June 12 run, my first official "marathon" and I figured it's time to shift from the treadmill to a real road. She runs regularly at UP and I decided to tag along. She says the trees were her entertainment. I, on the other hand, have grown comfortable at the gym. This shift is actually good for me because I need to get used to running on concrete. I've been maintaining a good system so far, combining running with walking, shifting from sprints to a slow jog and keeping to the 5k-under-45 minute rule. So as I waited for Sandee to arrive, she was about an hour late, I watched the runners.

Apparently, this is where some of the hardcore runners and the newbies are. There was an eclectic mix of "exercisers", from the really young to the really old. Much has changed since I last ran here, two years ago to be exact. The one-way traffic thing really helps, people have some room to overtake each other or maintain an even run in spite of the high volume of people. I also noticed that the sidewalk is now paved and evenly set, mind you, I've tripped on my feet at least twice before when said sidewalks had potholes. Now they're nice and even, which is good for clumsy runners like me.

Sandee told me that the whole route is exactly 2k. She has this high tech gadget attached to her bad-ass marathoning shoe (yep, bad-ass) that records the distance that she covered, the speed and I think even the gradient of her run. I told her, that's better than how I monitor my run on the treadmill. Her shoe kicked my shoe's ass. Whereas the only pimping I could do to my running shoes was buying it clamps so that the ties won't release during the run. I was surprised to hear that the whole route was only 2k, it only means, I cover the 2k easier on a real road than on a treadmill. Yey for concrete roads. Apparently, I can do a full-run 2k in 15 minutes. That to me was amazing. We were only able to cover 4k, or 2 rounds, that day because she had to make her way home, I on other hand had a long drive too.

I noticed the full moon feels low, like it was closer to the earth or something. It probably has some significance somewhere. So yeah, after running with Sandee, I was so pumped up that I actually bought raw ingredients from the grocery and cooked dinner from SCRATCH at home. Everything was prepared from scratch, from my favorite Japanese rice, my favorite processed protein of Hotdogs, my unique coriander and red egg salad, to my coke zero infused with lemon. I credit this to the full moon. Probably, the one and only time in a while that I actually wanted to be in the kitchen for my own nutrition.

I probably won't be training today, as we are understaffed and at the same time I have to report for work. I could feel all the aches and pains now because I didn't run yesterday, usually these are masked by the high endorphin levels that I maintain because of my running. I was so lazy yesterday that I ended up watching old episodes of Crystal Maze all morning and spending the afternoon with the girls.

My right knee's now killing me, must load on the potassium real soon.

Reading Shaw

I have an inclination to buy and read books that have red covers. I know that sounds crazy but I gravitate towards books that have some red on its cover. I recently discovered the playwright Shaw, brilliant work I must say. His choice of topics and how he plays with his words create such fascinating scenes. I'm all about making scenes perfect, the dramatic buildup. I especially like it when an author zones in on one thing, and the reader is taken into that scene, slowly, one step at a time.

My favorite books vary from works of the eclectic Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the dark world of Tolkien, the return to childish dreams with Harry Potter and his friends, and of course, Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I'm ok with Neil Gaiman's Stardust and American Gods but I find the other works a little too far out for my taste. Gregory Maguire's take on the evil characters of childhood fairytales is just fantastic. I also like the Asian world of Yoshimoto. I've always been curious about Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses, Francis has been singing praises about this book for years but I can't seem to find a copy of this book anywhere. Seriously, when I go to the kitschy bookstores with hard to find titles, I always zone in to find a Rushdie, zilch all the time. If you have a copy, or know where to get one, let me know, send me an email. And you will receive my undying love and affection. Teka ano daw?

I don't get the whole Ebook movement, I like reading my books with pages, I like the smell of the paper, I like breaking the spine and writing on the sides. I can hear the collective, "No, you evil person.".

-The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them" -- GB Shaw

Snap!

A Cool Monday Morning

I woke up this morning to my laptop blaring, I fell asleep with the sounds on, I barely made my deadline this morning, I have a feeling this is going to be one long day. No matter, boss is back in SG, and probably passing on a ton of work this week. Beefing up the paycheck is always a good thing.

I am determined to run this afternoon, clock in my minutes on the treadmill, make up for not running yesterday.

I noticed that my UP student number only has one even number like my Ateneo student number, that's so cool. In the greater scheme of things, what could that mean? That odd things are meant to outweigh the even flow and ebb of things? Teka ano daw?

Finally, the sun's not so awful today, he's kinda behind some bad-ass clouds. For some reason, I'm in a cheery mood today. Must be because I did a ton of writing last night, (may brain cells pala ako).

I must stop procrastinating with my errands, the list's not getting any shorter. I hate errands, with passion!

Sugar and Tiny Barongs

I can't run today. Apart from the fact that I'm behind my deadline (my boss is going to kill me), I have a migraine. Actually, it's more like the vertigo I had a couple of days ago, hence I have an excuse to load up on sugar. Yey for sugar. I've already had a twix bar, a handful of dark raisenettes, a bowlful of fruit, a glass of iced tea, a doughnut and a grande iced caramel machiatto. So now, I'm all hyper and jittery, hahaha. I hope the recovery arrives soon, I need to keep running and I need to stop burping.

Yesterday, my friend Sheila's son was baptized. It was quite cute actually, he was wearing a tiny barong. I never knew they make barongs that small. Sheila had asked me to drive for them, as they don't have a vehicle and really managing two little children on their own was already a handful, to be their willing driver was the least I could do for them. It was cute really, Mika, Sheila's older child, kept calling me "Kishie", she couldn't enunciate her R's just yet. For some reason little children seem to gravitate toward me, I don't "babyspeak" them, I like talking to them like they're little adults.

43 minutes

I ran 5k yesterday, ok ran-walked, nonetheless, it was 43 minutes, under my target time of 45. Although at 4k, my brain was surrendering to the pain, I pushed it still because I needed to know how far my knees can take without buckling. I was exhausted thereafter, but it was all good. I can manage a 5k run apparently, I just need to train more consistently.

The thing about running is that one has to be very focused on the finishline. It's that passionate push towards making the end that carries over the toughest plateaus. My brain tends to zone in on things that I find difficult to focus on, when I run that monotony of putting one foot ahead of the other creates a rhythm that encourages my brain to rid itself of distractions. So what did I think about yesterday? I forgot.

I have four files to manage today, I pray that I find enough strength to push through it, I had bad dreams last night, kept me awake half of the night in spite of the physical exhaustion. And now, I'm sleepy.

Hell No!

"All things in life are fated; you cannot change fate with your own actions"

All the great men of philosophy are now rolling around in their graves. Have people become so jaded that we surrender to some invisible chain that disengages us from the complexity of having some sort of control of our lives? I almost burst out laughing when I read this line in a paper that I was proofreading, I can imagine some bored guy in thick coca-cola eyeglasses stuck in a back office write this in an important paper that I happened to be editor of.

If indeed this is true, that fate is unchangeable, then what the hell are we doing trying to wrangle some sort of control over life then? Shouldn't we just hang back and let fate float us forward? No more trying to discover the answer to, "Why am I here?", or "What will I do with my life?". Just wait for LIFE to take you places, let things happen.

Predetermination of fate is almost impossible to believe because chance gives us more curveballs than straight outs.

Take the LOTTO for example, sure tens and thousands of people try their luck on any given day, much disappointed sure, but it's the thrill of the possibility of winning that gets people to join in on the fun. Waiting for a curveball to hit and swinging it out of the field.

But what if the curveballs themselves are predetermined? Like some MATRIX alterworld is indeed controlling the drones, that happens to be us, and that there is no such thing as a REAL world. Again, I'm driving myself nuts with the thinking! Must be the weather really. Who can live on this heat, nor think rationaly?

Rogue Type A

I am procrastinating my deadline, yes, I should be working right now. My boss is going to kill me if I don't finish my work tonight.

No, I'm not yet bored. I get asked that a lot, if I'm getting bored already, no, sorry, I like this, seemingly boring life. It's hard to imagine how I, a super type-a person is enjoying this nonchalant floating through the days. The busy's going to come really soon, boss says I'm slated to take that trip to Singapore in a couple of weeks, my sister and her family's going to come home soon and we're gonna have a lot of fun, grad school's going to be a challenge for someone who likes being a student but hasn't been in a while and of course, I'm really excited about the apprenticeship with Nana, that is if I get to buy that Canon really soon. Then of course, I'm training hard for that marathon Sandee signed me up for. The goal is 5k in 45mins! Right now, I'm at 3k in 25. So yeah, not so boring in a couple of weeks, that's why I'm liking this boredom now, professional bumming and leeching off the parents ---> so much fun.

Ok, the clock says 9pm, gotta get back to work.

Vertigo Sucks.

Last night, I took one too many of my "diet pills", my blood sugar dropped so low I had to eat a bowl of fruit and half a doughnut to recover from the dizziness. My palms were cold and I was burping too much air. I experienced some bad-ass VERTIGO, I felt like the world was spinning and yet I was lying down, not moving. It was like riding a rollercoaster without the rollercoaster. I had to force myself to sleep in order to recover, after all I had a deadline with the boss at 8am. I actually almost lost my balance standing up when I woke up to my 2am alarm.

I must run my 3k this afternoon, I've loaded on a ton of sugar to recover from said vertigo and now I have to shake it all off. Sandee already signed me up for my first marathon, so I must train harder and run more consistently. I have to buy a cute outfit for it too. Hahaha. Had to sneak that in. Though, my right knee's acting up, along with my back. Geesh, will these aches and pains ever end?

Maybe it's not supposed to end. Like a constant reminder that there is work to be done, pushing through the pain will actually be good, test of endurance of the body, translates into a stronger heartmind.
___________________________________

Recently discovered a new Alicia song. Too smooth and cool. Lovet!

Unthinkable by Alicia Keys featuring Drake

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now
(Drake: You should say it right now)

You ready?

Bridge:

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I think it deserve it..Let it go)
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
(Drake: I can't take it)

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)

Verse 2:
I know you once said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gon' do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(Drake: We should do it right now)

Bay, uh

Bridge:

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I know I deserve it. Let it go)
Its becoming something that's impossible to ignore
It's what we make it
(Drake: It's what we make it)

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready)

Yeah, sing...

Hook:

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can't say I came prepared
I'm suspended in the air
Won't you come be in the sky with me

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)

Floating Leaf's Stubby Little Nose

If I had a chinese name or an american indian name, it would have to be, "Floating Leaf".

Yesterday was my first time to go to Club Manila East. Strange though because I only live 5 minutes away from it. Friends wanted to soak in water and dry out in the sun. The original plan was to go to the nearest beach, of which I wasn't really interested, I'm not a fan really, the sand gets into everything! But logistical problems and lack of time delimited the plan to Manila or close to Manila. So we went to Club Manila East, the theme-park styled water park proved to be a haven for city dwellers like me that's too lazy to seek the natural bodies of water. A swimming pool constitues a body of water, enough said.

So yeah, there I was, I'm not really adventurous, the giant slide wasn't enticing as the long walk up the tower was very discouraging for my laziness and my height issues, the surfing on artificial waves wasn't really calling my name, it looked painfully difficult, and really, I garner enough pain at the gym. So in short, I was pretty satisfied floating around the least occupied pool, my nose jutting out of the water, lying flat on the stillness of the pool. I could spend the whole day just doing that, floating, unless of course some kid jumps into the pool, creates waves and force water into my stubby little nose. Yey for chlorinated water up my nose.

_____________________________

Must stop procrastinating, must go back to excel files.

Rock Education

She Talks to Angels
Black Crowes

She never mentions the word addiction
in certain company
Yes,she'll tell you she's an orphan
after you meet her family

she paints her eyes as black as night now
she pulls those shades down tight
she gives a smile when the pain comes
the pain gonna make everything alright

chorus:
says she talks to angels
they call her out by her name
oh yeah, she talks to angels
says they call her out by her name

she keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
she wears a cross around her neck
yes the hairs are from a little boy
and the cross from someone she has not met
not yet

(chorus)

she don't know no lovers
none that I've ever seen
and to her that means nothing
but to me it means, means everything

_______________________

I'm Psyched!

I don't really know what that expression means, but I've noticed people say it when they're excited about something. Today, I attempted the impossible, tried on my skinny jeans. I only have one pair as there was only a brief moment in time back in the past that I actually had the courage to fit them in a store and purchase it consequently as I was thrilled then that I could fit into a pair of skinnys.

AND THEY FIT AGAIN! The last I wore them was September last year. Yey, for skinny jeans, the hardwork is beginning to pay off, only after 2 months of dieting, one month of hardcore running, and I haven't even reached the must run the 3k a day goal just yet. I'm thrilled, I'm losing the beer weight I gained over the holidays. I'm feeling strong again.

As Milan Kundera puts it, the kind of weight a woman wants to be pulled down with is the kind that keeps her real. Or something like that. I have to go read that book again.

Really, this is huge for me. I thought it was impossible, my metabolism's gone so slow that it takes three hours of working out a day to hasten it once more. But then again, it has only been two months, what more if I continue this. I might need to buy a smaller size of skinnys (now that seems even more impossible!)

So yeah now I'm headed to the starbucks, I need some stronger caffeine to keep me focused on my work. I've skipped working out today, back's kinda acting up again. Aerobics is like gin, it's painful agony. Staying away from the frapuccinos but might be too weak to resist a sweet pastry. :D

Death by Pulikat

I can't eat any more bananas, I'm so done with the potassium loading, hence, death by pulicat. I never imagined I could hurt myself by attending aerobics class. My hips have a mind of its own, like it doesn't want to follow my commands. How does one shake their waist properly? How do you, "kembot" gracefully? All these old ladies and gay guys do it so well, how come I stick out and not shake my hips well?

It's awful really, and quite pathetic.

Pwede bang mag-isip ng konti?

I was laughing until my stomach muscles hurt. Boss was uberfrustrated with the other department for their blatant refusal to use what brain cells they have in order to comply with her requests. When she was telling me her frustration, I started laughing because she was dead serious when she said, "Pwede bang mag-isip ng konti?". Right away I replied, "Konti lang?", and burst out laughing.

I told her, that's such an interesting facebook status, then she started laughing some more.

Expectations setting, that's always where we get robbed by our belief in humanity. Really, one would think that in the workplace, people are expected to do their jobs accordingly, because there's renumeration involved, and people are complying with some ideal that they signed a contract for, but then again, that's the flaw of humanity. Sometimes, the weakness of being human, of falling short of expectations cause a chain reaction that translates to errors or lower quality output that ultimately leads to failure of completing a job.

Random Mariah Song in My Ear

Underneath the Stars
Mariah Carey

One summer night
We ran away for a while
Laughing, we hurried beneath the sky
To an obscure place to hide
That no-one could find

And we drifted to another state of mind
And imagined I was yours and you were mine
As we lay upon the grass
There in the dark
Underneath the stars
(Young love)
Underneath the stars
(Young love) ohh baby

Weak in the knees
Wrapped in the warm gentle breeze, and I,
So shy, a bundle of butterflies
Flush with the heat of desire
On a natural high

As we drifted to another place in time
And the feeling was so heady and sublime
As I lost my heart to you
There in the dark
Underneath the stars
(Young love) ohhhhhh

Ohh, Beautiful and bittersweetly
You were fading into me
And I was gently fading into you
But the time went sailing by
Reluctantly we said goodbye
And left our secret place so far behind
And I lay in bed all night
And I was drifting
Drifting
Drifting
Drifting

And I was yours
And you were my own
My own baby
As we lay
As we
Lay underneath the stars
(Young love)
_________________________________

I pushed the running today until it hurt. Yes, this daily 3k or die regimen is brutal especially for an ethereal procrastinator. I'm quite surprised by my commitment to the regimen actually, considering I'm so lazy. In fact as I was running the treadmill today, I noticed this guy to my left, twice my age, running twice the distance I was covering, with greater speed. I hate it, so there I was pushing my running until it hurt because this old guy can do it, well hell, so can I.

Hope without Action is like Prayer without Belief

It's funny how I torture myself nowadays, I've been training so much that it actually hurts to walk now. I told myself, run even if you don't want to, walk if you feel like you can't run anymore, if needed be, crawl because there's no way you can't do 3k a day. If there was a miracle pill for losing all this weight, I would've already taken three boxes, but there's none, so let the torture ensue. The plan is to make 10k a day easy and breathless. It'll be some time before I reach that, but it can be done. I know it. Or so I think I know it. Or so I pretend I think I know it.

I'm procrastinating work right now because I'm really sleepy. Although the work is downright brainless, I have yet to muster enough strength to concentrate on them numbers. I rode the public commute today so kill me if I'm a little tired. Yey for another 8am deadline.

Voting yesterday, even though it took forever, was like any other time I exercised that right to vote. Voting used to be so ideal to me, like I really thought through my choice, envisioned a better country, etc. etc. I grew up in a family that equated adulthood into two things, driving and voting. If you can do, and choose to do both, then you're an adult. I think it's because I had siblings who suffered and marched the first EDSA. They after all, we're up students, it ran in their blood. It worried my parents so much that they grilled the third generation to value national freedom as adulthood takes over.

Now, I take on a different view, it was the first time I voted strategic, like I didn't so much think about who I wanted in office, rather, I thought who to give my vote to so as not to make the other candidate win.

Through a friend who diligently follows the news, I was able to surmise a fair appraisal of the campaign trail, the personalities and wealth representation of the candidates, the idiosyncrasies of the techniques for winning. My incessant fear of vote buying, blatant cheating and extreme violence were appeased by the efforts of many volunteers and cleaner safekeeping forces such as the pnp and the other men in uniform. Another friend emphasized that the reason we're so paranoid about cheating is because we've gotten so used to it as the social and moral norm that we no longer trust people to have "non-cheating" as status quo. Let me rephrase that, status quo has become: cheating is good, losing is bad. Whereas the true status quo should be, let the results stand for themselves because we trust the system that has put power into place, cheating is not an option.

Is automation regenerating the true morality of this country?

Again, three hours of my life down the drain, just to get a purple-d forefinger. What kept going through my mind was: automation reduces cheating, automation reduces cheating. After the vote, I kept thinking, how will I get this purple ink off my damn forefinger, do I just wait to outgrow the nail, do I get a manicure, do I soak this in some solution until it fades?

Ah, but a purple finger is a purple finger, we're in it for the long haul. I actually find Commissioner Melo entertaining to watch, he's really trying to keep up with the technology that the younger commissioners are so used to. Again, I can imagine a whole crew of incorruptible geeks, mindless of the greed so many are so used to, protecting the technology from the hands of the self-righteous and as a result of which, tirelessly reinstilling a feeling of hope for the Filipino people.

Yes, Ab, I voted for Allan Reyes, I guess, I'm fascinated by the fact that he still used the same picture he used years ago in his campaign posters. And for that he earned my vote, points for persistence! Remember how we can't get over the fact that his campaign song echoed in our ears long after the elections were over.

So sure, I'm beginning to trust the system again, elections have a way of gathering hope, let's just hope that hope translates into some meaty action. Hope without action is like a prayer without belief.

It's like my 10k a day goal, I'm hopeful that I'll reach my goals simply because I started walking a couple of weeks ago and now I'm running again, I hope that I won't have to revert to crawling anytime soon.

I hate car repairs, WITH PASSION

Yep, there goes that money I was saving up for my Canon. AGAIN. I hate car repairs, I hate it with such passion that I am going to wear my seatbelt forever. Learned my lessson ten times over, give me a break, I'm slow. I can't believe it really, that so much of my savings, my hard-earned savings at that, end up paying for damages I caused to my car. After having gained so much, I have lost so much too.

GEESH that sounds so dramatic. So much that I feel like it references to my life.

Na ja, etwas sagt mir, dieses Leben wird besser sein. Vielleicht, ich glaube, Zeit heilt alle Wunden.

Leben muessen uns voerwaerts bewegen.

Facebook status: Chrissie Caoile is impoverished once more by her beat-up Lancer. (of course i can't post it because my sister's going to find out that her old car's being pummeled by her little sister, that of course is me)

Then again, I have grad school to pay for, monthly gym dues, my GLOBE subscription, etc. etc.

Dream Coming True En Route

YEY for graduate school! I'm in! Yes, I applied for a master's degree at UP Open University and I got in! I'm so thrilled, I've always wanted to be a UP student even though I went to a good school. The idea of being a UP student was always something I felt I couldn't do, and now, yey, I'm in it. I need a beer to calm me down.

I can't believe it. I'm so happy.

Next phase, here we go!

A Little Burt

Glee songs were familiar to me tonight, Burt Bacharach. Alright, I'll admit it, I like them Burt songs, slightly borderline nauseating, ok, sure, but before the Bossa Nova versions of his songs, a girl named Siobhan Petit did renditions of his songs. And she was good, the kind that will lull you to your sleep with her high pitches and deep violin runs. I use this kind of music to help me fall asleep, drift me slowly to sleepyland.

I'll finish this tomorrow, but let it be known that I'm a closet Burt fan.

Apocalypse

Here in the dark, in these final hours...

I was surprised to find that Boyz 2 Men has a rendition of this song, indeed, I almost cried when I heard it, yes just almost cried. I'm too dehydrated by the heat to even produce tears. What's up with this heat? Just the other week, I asked a bunch of my friends this question, Will we live long enough to face the apocalypse? Siyempre my pregnant friend said, no such thing exists. Everyone else just shrugged off my question and motioned to move on to the next topic. Ok, I asked the wrong bunch of people, these guys are too half-full, not at all half-empty.

But really, is the apocalypse en route?

If you review recent international calamaties: massive floods, volcanos erupting, earthquakes, massive droughts and heat wave, one can deduce that these are doomsday-ish. Theorists of the 2012 Apocalypse may have something up their sleeves if these events continue to occur. If you ask me, I don't really think that the world would collapse overnight unless a gigantic meteorite hits the earth anytime soon. The earth deteriorates slowly, so slow that we can still reverse much damaged caused.

I finished the Discovery channel series, "Colony", last week, it was a ten-episode mini-series, like a condensed Big Brother or Survivor with really geeky people and a really cool house. The doomsday premise for this one is the death of humanity through a disease, biochemical weaponry, like that Will Smith movie. They locked up ten people with varying skills in an abandoned warehosue filled with old cars, hand tools, they had an engineer, a doctor, a carpenter, each person represents a sector of the population. The mechanical engineer looked like Einstein. They proved through this show that it's possible to survive the apocalypse, provided you're stuck in the company of people who can make electricity out of burning wood and you have enough canned goods to last several lifetimes. This show was interesting, but they could've made it more believable if the participants started planting vegetables for their survival. I'm not really convinced that canned goods can actually sustain the post-apocalyptic population.

Speaking of stocking up on canned goods, my mom has a tendency to hoard canned goods prior to the elections. She happaned to have survived the second world war and the Marcos dictatorship, she has seen the worst of Philippine history. Too often has she bored me to my death with stories of surviving on root crops. So yeah, if the apocalypse is near the elections, our house will probably survive the longest.

Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Pagmememeron

"Ngunit kung marunong akong umunawa, ito ang sasabihin sa akin ng abot-tanaw: hanggan dito ka lamang makatatanaw; ngunit kapag pinaghirapan mong gumalaw ng kaunti, makikita mo: lampas sa abot-tanaw, may mga matatanaw na hindi mo pa natatanaw."

"Basta't sikap ako ng sikap, at sa sandaling hindi ko alam, natuto ako."

"Taglay ng bawat tao sa kanyang mulat na pagmamalay, ang isang maliit na daigdig: mga alaala, damdamin, pagnanais, hindi pagkalagay, atbp. Itong daigdig na ito ay maituturing na pagsiklab ng pagmemeron ng ako, at pakikipag-ugnayan ng ako at hindi ako. Ang hinahanap ko sa aking walang hintong pagsilang sa maliit na daigdig ng aking mulat na pagmamalay, ay makisama at makipagsagutan, lumikha at magpalikha sa tunay na daigdig; sa walang hanggang abot-tanaw ng meron. Sa aking maliit na daigdig, pinapasok ako ng walang hanggang meron at pumapasok din naman ako sa walang hanggang meron. Ngunit, kung minsan, pumapaltos ako, nababara ang aking maliit na daigdig. Sa halip na maging paraan, nagiging sagabal. Ngayon, kapag naging sagabal ang aking kaisa-isang paraan sa pakikipag-ugnayan sa meron, wala na akong pakikiisa sa meron, sa talagang nangyayari. Hiwala ako sa tunay, nakakulong sa wala."

"Nakikita natin na ang potensyal na ito ay palaging isinisilang sa paulit-ulit na pag-uulit ng naipon nang nakaraan na pag-uunawa at pagnanais at kakayahan; pag-uulit na buhay, hindi pag-uulit lamang sa nagawa na, kundi pag-uulit na lumilikha sa hindi pa nagagawa. Nakikita din natin na sa ganitong pag-uulit, hindi maiiwasan ng mga nakasangkot, na bumaling sila sa kanilang sariling kalooban, sa kanilang mga panloob na karupukan at katibayan. At dito nagiging pagbabalik-loob ang pagbaling sa kalooban."

Meron, RJF

Chocolate-laced Milk

I could never understand why I can't seem to accept conventional wisdom. Was it because I was fed milk laced with chocolate instead of regular milk as a child because I had an inexplicable gag reflex with regular milk?

Three years ago, I gained so much weight that the flight of stairs in our old house felt like torture. I had to prepare for the nursing exams and part of my routine was regularly consuming venti lattes and chocolate bars, s'more of hershey's to be exact. The overly processed sugar helped with the focusing and memory work. So after surviving said exams, I had to lose the weight, I knew it was bad for me to be that heavy. I signed up for gym and submitted myself to the torture. Strict keeping to the diet of the blandest food and hardwork proved to be my lifesavers. I lost so much weight that I could buy pretty dresses and flattering outfits, something I've not had the luxury to do in the past. As such, I gained a sensible amount of self-confidence, never been quite as comfortable with the mirror before, but the gym forces you to be comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror. These mirrors are everywhere in the gym and you have to constantly check your lifts and stretches, or else hurt yourself. Now, unfortunately kapabayaan I guess, I gained all of the weight back, all of it, and now I'm working hard to lose them again. I felt strongest physically and emotionally with less weight, must be the endorphins working its magic. The good news is, my favorite dress fits me again, I'm getting there. There are no shortcuts, no easy patches.

Still struggling with last weekend's breakthrough, my head's still spinning. It takes a while to accept all of that, and my mind's blank. I feel awful. Mahirap umamin na ako ang nagkamali, but that's the only way I can live with what I've done, take responsibility finally. Conventional wisdom dictates that I don't need to, but that just doesn't fit well in my books if you ask me. My thought patterns don't follow conventional wisdom, it's probably because of all that chocolate milk.

Broken Mirror

Fishing out the images of -
The deepest wounds on my face
On a piece of broken mirror, I chase
A sudden moment of safe passage
In your arms, leveraged
Betrayed by the rush of the world,
Confused by what's going on,
I dropped the broken mirror,
And further break it.
I tried picking it up,
Wounding my fingers,
It stings, the pain lingers.
They tell me to let it go,
There are other mirrors.
I say a valiant: No,
This broken mirror has seen me.
And now, it asks for time,
To be broken no more.
I could feel my wounds healing,
Igniting a strength I've never known.
Someday, when I find Myself
Looking at that mirror once more,
I will only see a face
With the most beautiful scars.

There Are No Such Things As Coincidences

I am a self-confessed geek, will not deny it ever. So I venture to fix this blog, but always run out of steam on picking out which posts I'd like to keep on the page, which I'd like to take out, which I'd like to keep. So I just take everything out, I am that lazy to read through everything, even my own stuff.

I love the poetry I wrote a year ago, it was the two pieces that I wrote after a boy broke my heart. I chanced upon a book of poetry my room mate stole from her friend that one time she dropped by his apartment for drinks. He was pretty drunk when he agreed to lend her his book. They have karmic wars and I think my room mate gained some hefty points for getting that book out of his hands.

His poetry's pretty good. My room mate tells me he wrote it during his young high school years, so expect to read a lot of obsession with his "manhood", his plights of fancy, his growth into the responsibility of his life and the women that he's met and yet to meet. The usual angsty teen stuff, but very well written and expressed creatively, like it wasn't written by a kid.

Two poems inspired me to write my own poetry, that's how I learn writing, I pick-up other writers' techniques, vocabulary and grammar. Sometimes I hear what they are trying to express and respond with my own material --> sort-of continue their thinking process with my own stuff.

Then today, I reread the material I based my poetry from, and I could feel the goosebumps. He, my room mate's friend, based his material on a song that was released during that time he was writing his book. I don't need to confirm with him because two lines looked similar to the lyrics of that song. I swear I've seen those lines somewhere else, I kept thinking it through lunch break today, like how I can't let go of a song without knowing its title, always and forever a geek, then boom -- someone else quoted it.

So it was meant, that my room mate's friend write a poem 15-ish years ago about a song he heard. So it was meant that a year ago, that I read that poem, find inspiration to write my own poetry (of which I have not done for some time prior to that day). So it was meant that I chanced upon the song my room mate's friend based his poetry on, quoted somewhere else. So it was meant that today, the day I seek assurance, be the very day when I finally recognize all of this.

We are where we need to be, I stopped resisting that today. It's some sort of reassurance from the gods that be, from the Higher Power, that no matter how frustrating it may be to be situated where I am now, this is where I need to be. That things are going to be better, because we are meant to be where we are now, there are no coincidences, no regrets, no wrong turns.

Juan Marco, The End

I had a dream last night, perhaps because it was the first time I've had 9 hours of sleep in a while. I have finally finished the Juan Marco story, a short I've worked on the past, but only now have I ventured to finish it. It has been years since I started writing it, only now has the ending been clear.

____________
I
It was 230am and I just had gotten back from a night with the boys. For some reason, they like to tag me along when they play poker. Since then, I've learned how to play, drink Whisky instead of beers, control my reactions when I get blanks and smile coyly when I want to bluff. Yes, the smiles work to my advantage, all the time. I'm a girl in a room of boys, they always think I can't play.

So I took a shower, readied myself for bed. Set my phone to ring an alarm at 8am, I was scheduled to run with my running buddy, Max. He's gotten me out of my tendency to procrastinate my running.

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. I checked it immediately, because I thought I overslept my 800am alarm. No, it was only 400am, and it registered a number on the screen, no name. I picked it up, figured it was the hospital, maybe they needed someone to cover today's shift.

"Hello..?", I said.

"Erin, is this Erin?", the old lady voice said on the other line.

"Yes mam, it is, how can I help you?", I'm always courteous to old people.

"This is Daisy. Daisy Regalado-Yu", all of sudden, I felt the chills. Mrs. Regalado-Yu, Cocoy's mom is calling me at 400am, what could she possibly want?

"Yes, mam. How are you po?", I said, I mean really, what do you say at 400am?

"Yes, good. I called because my son is asking for you. He is... ", her voice cracked. I'm a nurse, I know when voices crack like that, they usually mean something.

"Yes mam, he is...?", I wanted her to finish.

"Dying.", she said. "He has asked for nothing and no one else but you.", she finished. I wanted to crawl back to sleep. The whisky was pulling me into sleepyland.

"I..", I was out of words.

"Can I have the driver pick you up?", she said hurriedly.

"Ah ok mam.", with that I dragged myself out of bed, turned all the lights on, and took another shower.
___________
II
It was exactly 4:23am according to my watch when I rode the elevator down. I have a tendency to check the time when I'm nervous about something. I had the driver park the car at the designated visitor's parking area. The building where I lived had allotted slots for non-permanent parkers. It's actually quite convenient and useful at that moment, I thought.

They had me picked up by Cocoy's car. Ok, so it's still alive. His ragged white Honda, that he used to race with, complete with the racing seats, the carbon hood, the kick-ass shoes, the spoiler. And if being given the chance to look at the trunk, the big cylinders were probably still at the back. Cocoy used this car as an excuse to work, the money he earned went to this car, to Shaianne.

I asked him one time, "Why such a girly name for such a macho car?".

He said, "Because only a woman can make me this happy."

A thought bubble went over my head, "Boys and their cars... oh boy."

Shaianne still smelled like him, the dry smell of his cologne, the air freshener, the gasoline, the cigarettes. I sat in the back and asked the driver, "Where are we going, kuya?".

He replied, "Cardinal mam."

____________
III
The driver dropped me off at the lobby and there I was met by Cocoy's sister, Celine. She looked the same, albeit a little older and I noticed a wedding band on her left hand.

"Erin, thank you.", she said as she opened her arms to give me a hug.

I hugged her back without saying a word. I really didn't know what to say.

"Let's go.", she wiped her eyes, I could see the tracks of her previous tears.

We climbed the elevator and found ourselves walking to room 507 where there was a group of people standing outside the door. It was mostly comprised of Cocoy's friends, relatives. These faces were familiar and friendly to me but I could hardly recall their names. They looked at me and I nodded, smiled as I pushed open the door.

There was an anteroom prior to the actual hospital bedroom. Celine guided me inside. Mrs. Regalado-Yu was seated on a couch with her husband. Both of them stood up, she gave me a hug and I could see she was missing an earring. She looked like she hasn't slept in days. Mr. Regalado-Yu on the other hand, looked disengaged, like his eyes were hazy and lost.

As she let go of me, I said, "Tita Daisy, you're missing an earring.", she grabbed her ears and said, "Oh no.", then she smiled at me. "Still very observant Erin, very good.", Tita Daisy always thought I was clever when it comes to observing people, I just needed to break the surmounting anticipation, I needed her to smile.

I noticed that there were other people inside the anteroom. There's Romina, Cocoy's current girlfriend talking on the phone in one corner of the room and Leon, Cocoy's older brother asleep in another corner.

As I braced myself to enter the hospital room, Tita Daisy whispered this in my ear, "I've lost that earring for three days now, you were the only one to point that out.", I smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

________
IV
The room was dark except for the flickering lights of the cardioscope by Cocoy's bedside. A nurse was seated on his left. She checked her watch as I went in, checked the monitors and sat back on her chair, wrote something on her clipboard and started tinkering with her ipod. She closed her eyes and rested her head.

"Coy.", I said.

"Erin, you came.", he opened his eyes, he looked older than his dad. He had lost a considerable amount of weight, I could see there were needle tracks on both of his arms, his eyes were sunk and beady, his once masculine shoulders now bones and skin. He signalled for me to grab a chair and opened his hand to be held.

I sat down and held his hand.

"What's...", before I could finish, he said, "Shush. Not the best time for questions.".

"Oh alright.", I said, I was fighting back tears. Cocoy had a strange relationship with drugs, when we dated three years back for three months, he was sober, clean because his parents urged him to go to therapy. This was the only time in Cocoy's adult life that he was completely clean. His circle of friends were friends with my friends. On one occasion, I just gave him a chance, we spoke and hit it off.

I remember he asked me, on that very day that I chose to give friendship with him a chance, "How come I've only seen you now, your friends always drink with us.".

"Well, you guys are the arrogant ones. I didn't know if I could take the arrogance.", I said honestly.

"Arrogant?", he laughed.

"Yeah, I didn't think you guys were otherwise.", I snipped.

He smiled and as they say, the rest was history. We found ourselves going out more often, dinners, beers, walks around the park, late night conversations. True to his nature, Cocoy spoke at length about many things. He likes to talk, write, about anything and everything. My wandering ADHD mind had struggled with that, I tried hard to listen.

Then one day, it got messy between us.

I recall feeling run over by a truck when he finally said, "Stop.".

The cardioscope flickered, made a loud toot-toot sound, I looked up at the nurse and she didn't move, so I figured, that wasn't a bad sound.

"I miss you.", he said. His hand was cold and mine were sweaty.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that.", I let go of my hand so I could wipe it dry. He grabbed it before I could let go. "My skin is no longer used to you.", I said.

He smiled and I could feel that he was slipping away. We nurses have a way of knowing when a patient is ready to cross the light, they lose that bit of life left in their eyes.

"I'm sorry.", he said and a tear fell from his left eye. I grabbed a tissue by the bedside table and I wiped his left cheek. I placed the palm of my hand on his face and I said, "Fly free Coy", with that I kissed his forehead, then the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath and arched his head to look into my eyes.

Then he closed his eyes.

The toot-toot sound of the cardioscope started to slow down, the waves that represented the heartbeat were becoming more far apart. I could feel his pulse slowing down. The nurse stood up, opened the lights and called for the doctor. Almost everyone came in, doctors, nurses, relatives, friends, Romina was getting hysterical, Tita Daisy was sobbing into her husband's arms. I slipped away, left the room, I couldn't stay even if I knew exactly what was going on. I headed straight for the elevator. I went to the ground floor, by then it was 612am in my watch, the sun has risen. I took a cab home.

_______
V
I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing again, it was 1030am. I checked the screen and as expected it was Max. I missed our 800am run. He had 9 missed calls, 10 text messages and 2 emails. I decided to ignore it for a while, I need a cup of coffee.

I dragged myself out of bed, made a cup of joe, and scrummaged for food in the refrigerator. I asked myself, "Why the hell do I not do groceries more regularly?", the only thing I found was a bowl of cold oatmeal. "Yuck", I said to myself and moved the bowl from the refrigerator to the sink. I checked every cabinet and found two cans of mushrooms, a pack of uncooked pasta, and a box of cream. Boo, all useless.

I brushed my teeth and cleaned my face. I grabbed my keys and a hundred dollar bill. Went to the convenience store and bought a proper breakfast, a hotdog with chilis, a pack of Marty's and a tall glass of pineapple juice. Went back up to the apartment, consumed said breakfast in front of the tube and pondered on how best to soothe Max's anger.

I was too lazy to do anything now. So I read and deleted all of Max's messages, gave him a call and told him the truth, though I think he didn't believe it. As I was talking to Max, a text message came in. It said that it was from Romina, and it listed the details of Cocoy's services, wake visit hours, funeral.

It was too painful for me to go, I was too scared. I loved Coy, but I don't think ...

_________
VI
The sound of the doorbell woke me, it was eactly 709pm according to my Casio watch. I had fallen asleep on the couch. I turned the tube off, opened the lights and headed towards the door. It was the Regalado-Yu's driver, he said, "Ma'm pinapabigay po ni Mrs. Regalado-Yu.", he handed me a long brown envelope.

He left without saying another word, I went inside to open the package. It was Cocoy's last will and testament, Cocoy stood to inherit the fortune his parents had acquired over the years. They were among the old rich and his share of his parents' fortune is not at all small. I read through all of the paperwork. A little post-it note was stuck on the side of the last page, it was from Tita Daisy, "Where's the Taguig flat?, Wink Wink".

________
VII
The next day, I felt refreshed, eager to get through the day. I went to the grocery, bought proper food, I went for a jog with Max, and added a good hour and a half to our routine, impressing him of course. I even went as far as cleaning my car.

I finally got the call I was waiting for at 538pm that afternoon.

"Mr. Campos, go do it, sell the apartment. I can't live here anymore.", I said over the line.

"Ms. Erin, this is foolish. Where will you live?", Mr. Campos had said.

"Oh, I'll get by. Probably at my friend Gia's. Or who knows, I'll go home even, my parents could always take me in.", I said.

I went inside my bedroom, took out the ownership papers of the apartment. Coy had secretly given me this apartment years ago, he had placed it under my name. For whatever reason, I don't know. Maybe he felt guilty for not trying hard enough to make our friendship work, maybe because he had a lot of money to go around and I could use a place to live, or maybe he just wanted to care even if his heart asked him not to because I had hurt his heart in as much as he has hurt mine.

Then again, maybe he loved me more than we both could take.

_____________________