I could never understand why I can't seem to accept conventional wisdom. Was it because I was fed milk laced with chocolate instead of regular milk as a child because I had an inexplicable gag reflex with regular milk?
Three years ago, I gained so much weight that the flight of stairs in our old house felt like torture. I had to prepare for the nursing exams and part of my routine was regularly consuming venti lattes and chocolate bars, s'more of hershey's to be exact. The overly processed sugar helped with the focusing and memory work. So after surviving said exams, I had to lose the weight, I knew it was bad for me to be that heavy. I signed up for gym and submitted myself to the torture. Strict keeping to the diet of the blandest food and hardwork proved to be my lifesavers. I lost so much weight that I could buy pretty dresses and flattering outfits, something I've not had the luxury to do in the past. As such, I gained a sensible amount of self-confidence, never been quite as comfortable with the mirror before, but the gym forces you to be comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror. These mirrors are everywhere in the gym and you have to constantly check your lifts and stretches, or else hurt yourself. Now, unfortunately kapabayaan I guess, I gained all of the weight back, all of it, and now I'm working hard to lose them again. I felt strongest physically and emotionally with less weight, must be the endorphins working its magic. The good news is, my favorite dress fits me again, I'm getting there. There are no shortcuts, no easy patches.
Still struggling with last weekend's breakthrough, my head's still spinning. It takes a while to accept all of that, and my mind's blank. I feel awful. Mahirap umamin na ako ang nagkamali, but that's the only way I can live with what I've done, take responsibility finally. Conventional wisdom dictates that I don't need to, but that just doesn't fit well in my books if you ask me. My thought patterns don't follow conventional wisdom, it's probably because of all that chocolate milk.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Broken Mirror
Fishing out the images of -
The deepest wounds on my face
On a piece of broken mirror, I chase
A sudden moment of safe passage
In your arms, leveraged
Betrayed by the rush of the world,
Confused by what's going on,
I dropped the broken mirror,
And further break it.
I tried picking it up,
Wounding my fingers,
It stings, the pain lingers.
They tell me to let it go,
There are other mirrors.
I say a valiant: No,
This broken mirror has seen me.
And now, it asks for time,
To be broken no more.
I could feel my wounds healing,
Igniting a strength I've never known.
Someday, when I find Myself
Looking at that mirror once more,
I will only see a face
With the most beautiful scars.
The deepest wounds on my face
On a piece of broken mirror, I chase
A sudden moment of safe passage
In your arms, leveraged
Betrayed by the rush of the world,
Confused by what's going on,
I dropped the broken mirror,
And further break it.
I tried picking it up,
Wounding my fingers,
It stings, the pain lingers.
They tell me to let it go,
There are other mirrors.
I say a valiant: No,
This broken mirror has seen me.
And now, it asks for time,
To be broken no more.
I could feel my wounds healing,
Igniting a strength I've never known.
Someday, when I find Myself
Looking at that mirror once more,
I will only see a face
With the most beautiful scars.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
There Are No Such Things As Coincidences
I am a self-confessed geek, will not deny it ever. So I venture to fix this blog, but always run out of steam on picking out which posts I'd like to keep on the page, which I'd like to take out, which I'd like to keep. So I just take everything out, I am that lazy to read through everything, even my own stuff.
I love the poetry I wrote a year ago, it was the two pieces that I wrote after a boy broke my heart. I chanced upon a book of poetry my room mate stole from her friend that one time she dropped by his apartment for drinks. He was pretty drunk when he agreed to lend her his book. They have karmic wars and I think my room mate gained some hefty points for getting that book out of his hands.
His poetry's pretty good. My room mate tells me he wrote it during his young high school years, so expect to read a lot of obsession with his "manhood", his plights of fancy, his growth into the responsibility of his life and the women that he's met and yet to meet. The usual angsty teen stuff, but very well written and expressed creatively, like it wasn't written by a kid.
Two poems inspired me to write my own poetry, that's how I learn writing, I pick-up other writers' techniques, vocabulary and grammar. Sometimes I hear what they are trying to express and respond with my own material --> sort-of continue their thinking process with my own stuff.
Then today, I reread the material I based my poetry from, and I could feel the goosebumps. He, my room mate's friend, based his material on a song that was released during that time he was writing his book. I don't need to confirm with him because two lines looked similar to the lyrics of that song. I swear I've seen those lines somewhere else, I kept thinking it through lunch break today, like how I can't let go of a song without knowing its title, always and forever a geek, then boom -- someone else quoted it.
So it was meant, that my room mate's friend write a poem 15-ish years ago about a song he heard. So it was meant that a year ago, that I read that poem, find inspiration to write my own poetry (of which I have not done for some time prior to that day). So it was meant that I chanced upon the song my room mate's friend based his poetry on, quoted somewhere else. So it was meant that today, the day I seek assurance, be the very day when I finally recognize all of this.
We are where we need to be, I stopped resisting that today. It's some sort of reassurance from the gods that be, from the Higher Power, that no matter how frustrating it may be to be situated where I am now, this is where I need to be. That things are going to be better, because we are meant to be where we are now, there are no coincidences, no regrets, no wrong turns.
I love the poetry I wrote a year ago, it was the two pieces that I wrote after a boy broke my heart. I chanced upon a book of poetry my room mate stole from her friend that one time she dropped by his apartment for drinks. He was pretty drunk when he agreed to lend her his book. They have karmic wars and I think my room mate gained some hefty points for getting that book out of his hands.
His poetry's pretty good. My room mate tells me he wrote it during his young high school years, so expect to read a lot of obsession with his "manhood", his plights of fancy, his growth into the responsibility of his life and the women that he's met and yet to meet. The usual angsty teen stuff, but very well written and expressed creatively, like it wasn't written by a kid.
Two poems inspired me to write my own poetry, that's how I learn writing, I pick-up other writers' techniques, vocabulary and grammar. Sometimes I hear what they are trying to express and respond with my own material --> sort-of continue their thinking process with my own stuff.
Then today, I reread the material I based my poetry from, and I could feel the goosebumps. He, my room mate's friend, based his material on a song that was released during that time he was writing his book. I don't need to confirm with him because two lines looked similar to the lyrics of that song. I swear I've seen those lines somewhere else, I kept thinking it through lunch break today, like how I can't let go of a song without knowing its title, always and forever a geek, then boom -- someone else quoted it.
So it was meant, that my room mate's friend write a poem 15-ish years ago about a song he heard. So it was meant that a year ago, that I read that poem, find inspiration to write my own poetry (of which I have not done for some time prior to that day). So it was meant that I chanced upon the song my room mate's friend based his poetry on, quoted somewhere else. So it was meant that today, the day I seek assurance, be the very day when I finally recognize all of this.
We are where we need to be, I stopped resisting that today. It's some sort of reassurance from the gods that be, from the Higher Power, that no matter how frustrating it may be to be situated where I am now, this is where I need to be. That things are going to be better, because we are meant to be where we are now, there are no coincidences, no regrets, no wrong turns.
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