Mantra

Kapag gusto, may paraan.

Kapag ayaw, may dahilan.

Kapag may alak, may balak.

Kapag panatag, may laban.

For Reals

I was busy for most of today and I still hate Mondays, with passion.

Monday morning is like getting splashed on the face with ice-cold water. I literally had to drag my consciousness to get work done today. I had three and a half cups of coffee and I was still sleepy for most of the day. I guess, my brain resisted to cooperate because it was a Monday.

Yawn. Nonsense as always.

Chasing Bubbles.

I am officially distracted. Today is supposed to be the day that I get at least one FMA done but here I am, struggling with the fact that the deadline is hanging over my head with the urge to procrastinate not getting any weaker. Sure we all have days that are well, lazier than every other day. But I am not lazy, just distracted.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that my diesel-powered heart is having a hard time catching up. How do I get out of this loop? Dunno. I am still on the fence of whether or not I should get myself enrolled next semester. I really want to take the research class, but I don't know if I'm actually ready for it. I think I have to decide after the practicum on the 17th. I don't know how to move forward with that.

And then there's the work condition, let's add that to the mix. Should I go back now? Man, too much decisions, too little brainpower to actually get it done. I must not get distracted, I must find the strength to concentrate and get the deadlines through. No happy lemons until the FMAs get done. I heart Green tea with Rock salt and Cheese. I'm gonna buy a liter once I'm done with these drasted requirements.

I'm getting good advice from two girls that are chatting about cuties here at Starbucks. It's funny how easily people talk about their relationship concerns. They've been talking about chasing and being chased by men for the greater part of the last hour. I think they are close to verbalizing that their biological clocks are ticking loudly in their ear.

I've been wanting to get better with the time management but I let myself get distracted. It's a luxury I love to enjoy on a Sunday afternoon. And I often regret doing it once the deadline approaches. Yes. I have to get out of this bubble I've created.

Impending Doom

Last night, I couldn't keep myself awake to finish a file for work. So I gave myself 2 hours to sleep, hopefully after a powernap, I'd get enough energy to finish the file. Then I heard the alarm going off, my head and my mind wanted to move, but my body didn't. I was literally screaming in my head to move, but I didn't. Only after a few minutes did my body finally respond.

IT was quite disarming. Is this what comatose patients feel like? Very unnerving.

Coffee + 2 work deadlines + no sleep + monthly hormonal imbalance + 2 exams tomorrow = IMPENDING DOOM

kill me now.

Tuesday's Adventure

Priorities people, priorities.

I rode the LRT to go to my school. I decided that today was the last day of procrastinating the submission of my long overdue paper. I was determined to get it done and over with. So going back to the LRT, I don't really like it very much. I'd rather drive long hours than compromise the boundaries of my personal space. But I have work and I was meeting my friend for lunch, I had to brave the public transport system if I wanted to be prompt for any of my commitments today. It was awful. It was really, really bad. I pretty much survived the trip because I chose to ride the first station of the trip. The rest of Manila had to embrace the awfulness of marginal living.

I use these fancy words because I kept imagining the passengers of the LRT cabs as the chosen ones. Everyone else who did not get to ride the cab were the people who fell outside the margins. And mind you, not everyone of those who didn't get to ride were poor. What I wanted to say to those people, let's call them the marginalized, was "There are alternatives people, other ways of living! There are busses, jeeps, pedicabs, living closer to where you need to be. This does not constitute a respectful way of life, you deserve better! I just got lucky. My mind kept on and on with these snippets of advice and I genuinely felt awful that not everyone could enjoy the luxury I had. Sure, it was uncomfortable and I really really don't like my personal space compromised but I sucked it up and just barreled through. There must be a better way to manage the railway system. They cant keep subjecting their customers to this mental anguish and physical endangerment. I pitied the manong guards and the drivers because they do their best to serve the patrons of the train but they themselves are subjected to so much stress. After alighting my last train ride, I wished that someday they can do better.

So I got through the first step, I got to school, I submitted my paper then I thought, now what? I had to ride that train again and I was hurting. Hurting from the idea that I had to do it all over. My mind was rejecting the idea of wanting to be subjected to that kind of stress once more. But I thought, the rush hour should have passed and I'm going the opposite direction. After riding the wrong train, figuring out my directions, I finally found myself en route to where I needed to go next. There were many routes, but I chose the straight line. The brainless route took the most physical energy - the longest walk, but I'd rather get tired than get lost.

Sleep

Right at this very moment, I want to sleep. I don't want to work, I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything that requires me to be awake. But how can I sleep when I still have 2 deadlines tomorrow, 2 exams on Saturday, 3 late papers?

I think this is what they call living in limbo, neither here nor there, neither in hell nor in heaven.

Loser

My arm still hurts from last Sunday's tournament. I joined another tournament and yet again, I lost poorly. I now have a reputation for losing.

Great!

It was terrible, sure, I can blame a lot of things for the loss -- the lack of sleep due to the cramming I did for school and the never ending list of things to do for work. But that's just a bad cop out. I did work for it, not as much as I trained for the one I joined last July-ish, but I did my time. It still doesn't discount the fact that I didn't win. My partner and I (we played doubles) kept the fights close, but we didn't win one game. Boo.

I also think that my nervousness, my cracking under pressure could've gotten the best of me during the tied at 34 moments. I think we lost 2 games (out of the 5 we played and eventually lost) wherein I had control over the last point. We could've won the match if I wasn't shaking like a leaf. Must learn how to control nervousness. Must learn how not to crack under pressure. Jeez as if money was on the line!

One thing I have to point out though, I made some sweet shots which I was surprised that I could do. Well-placed cross court shots and close to the net shots from the back courts were shots I never thought I could pull off. I learned that if I visualize the shot, my arm will hit the ball perfectly to make it happen. Could this be what they call muscle memory? It felt good. Landing well-placed and clever shots felt like winning the lottery. It was putting more brain than brawn to make it work. I have to work harder. I hope I win at least one game in the next one.

An Epic End

After having watched the second installment of the final movie of Harry Potter yesterday, I felt like they did justice to the characters and to the story lines. A fitting end to what felt like an epic journey. The last time I used the word "epic" to describe a movie was the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I've always felt that the Harry Potter books are a junior version of the Lord of the Rings. The fight of good vs evil, the Davids against the Goliaths, the undertone of Love saves the day drama, the world war 1 and 2 allusions - these were all there. I enjoyed it, and truly, hats off to JK Rowling for making reading a cool thing inspite of the surge of modern entertainment alternatives.

I will always be passionate about reading, about taking the time to sit down, flip through pages, break the spine and highlight pages, even write notes. A book is always the fastest way to travel and the easiest way to dream big.

A beach convert.

After having gone to one of the most beautiful beaches in the Philippines, I am now a convert from a sandhater to a beachlover. The sand was too smooth and clean and perfect that I almost threw away my beach sandals. I felt the sand on my feet and it was just wonderful. Why did I ever hate the beach in the first place? Now, I want to travel travel travel around the Philippines, see the other beaches, and appreciate the simplicity of just sitting on the beach, enjoying a cold mojito, listening to the waves hit the shore. It was the vacay that I didn't want to end.

80/50

Nurse at Medical City: Ma'm, bp niyo po is 90/60.
Chrissie: Sure ka ate?
Nurse: (retaking the BP) Ay ma'm, 80/50 pala.

And I thought that there would be a dramatic flashing of my life moment. Nope sorry, I guess I'm not going to die just yet. I just had that overwhelming desire to sleep. Like I thought that if I go to sleep, I'll be fine, I'll be better. I didn't want food, nor water, nor Gatorade. I wanted to sleep and all these people around me, didn't want me to go to sleep, they kept me awake and conscious and thankfully, undead.

Yes I'm not dead.

I was amazed at how people can be so generous. Today, I felt it, quite literally. It was nice.

If only my car could talk.

It would say:

CAn't you see I need some loving? When are you gonna get me some new shoes? Remember I need four. When are you going to get the brake lights fixed? Or are you waiting for the guys in blue to get you before you buy new lights? When are you gonna get the dent on the hood fixed? Rainy season is coming up, are you sure you're okay with these faulty wipers?

My mom is itching to get these things fixed. I keep telling her, why would I put money on car repairs when it's still functioning well?

Ah to be a girl and to have a car, it's like throwing a chef into a fastfood chain's kitchen. It's just so wrong in so many ways. Maybe if I wish for these repairs to come true, I won't have to pay for them, I'd rather spend money on cute outfits and kikay stuff than car repairs, it's so, well, un-fun (if such a word exists!). I wish I cared more, or, I wish I cared at all.

Hahahaha.

Checks.

Enrollment, check.

I think I can never be a full blooded UP student, I mean much as I would like to delay my studying, skip a semester, I just well, I couldn't bear to do it. I mean, I started this, I feel I ought to finish it, on time. That's probably my training from my undergraduate schooling. My classes this semester are going to be difficult, but I have committed myself, paid the tuition with my own money, and so I'm going to barrel through the deadlines and exams with gusto.

SPF 85 sunblock, check.

I am definitely excited for the beach this June with the bakasyonistas. Yes, I have made peace with the sand, and I realized that it's not so bad after all. And with footwear that is literally tied around my ankle, I'm all good. My fear of walking barefoot on hot sand have dissipated.

Can? Can.

I need to make peace with the fact that I have sand issues. I am one of those girls that when invited to join beach trips, I make some excuse like work to get out of it. Given the choice of a mountain trip or a beach trip, I'd rather go to the mountains.

You see, sand gets everywhere. Once you expose one inch of your skin to the beach, the sand invades and you're stuck with sand literally everywhere! Every frigging nook and cranny will be covered with sand. Then you have the walking on sand, I mean, I have the softest feet imaginable, and walking barefoot is close to torture. So I've tried walking with slippers, oh man, I sink and get stuck, walking takes forever.

But this weekend, I'm going to make peace with the sand, and end this hate relationship. I am going to have fun, and I'm not going to obssess about it and enjoy the beach like everyone else.

__________

Singlish, is nosebleed. Yesterday was the birthday of boss, so naturally, she's off the clock. So, I had to report to superboss directly and practice my singlish. Wow, I never thought dropping a transitive verb was so difficult. I had to strip my english bare, use the shortest imaginable verbs and be very specific when asking questions or giving report updates. I had to rethink my way of responding, he didn't like okays, because it's not outrightly a positive or a negative response. I realized that "okay" is very vague.

I mean how many times have we heard this:

A: Hey would you like a glass of water?
B: I'm okay.
A: Okay, yes, you'd like one? Or Okay, I'm good, I don't want it?

_______________

Seriously?

Ah, it's just one of those days, that I have to admit to myself.

I can't play with a tension-24 racket. Yes, moving from playing at the streetcorner to hard core took me about two years. It took that long time to realize that I could well, try to be good at it, even though I'm not just there yet. I know now that I can try. It's more than fun actually, it's that competitive drive, that "I want to outsmash that *toot toot*)

I didn't realize how much a racket can change the game, I mean, I've been pushing my arm so far out for the longest time but it's not as strong as I want it to be. And now with a newly strung racket, I suddenly feel like I have muscles, long overdue eh?

I've not been able to write anything lately because my free time has been aptly filled with bettering myb Plants and Zombies skills. Tons of topics everywhere, but I simply cam't string them together dramatically enough to be worthwhile read, so I'd just end up playing my game and well, cruising along.

Why is it always easier to not make sense then making sense?

Hello Longest Week of My Career.

Yes. It's going to be a long week for my two occupations. So we'll see if I don't end up looking like ground up coffee beans by the end of the week. Juggling's so hard, I've still not decided which occupation to put on the back burner so I'm spreading myself thinly and managing as best as I can (which by the way I'm not doing a good job of as of the moment <--- I can't even write a decent sentence). I'm not done writing the pros and cons lists.

So stressed.

I can't wait for the end of the week, I can't wait to alcohol up.

Favorite Singaporean Words

1. BLUR - this is the Singaporen version of, "Ewan". More than a cloudy mirror, or window, blur is that look that people give each when they just don't know what's going on.

2. Queue - Stand in line, wait for your turn.

3. Cannot-laaaaah - Note the really prolonged ah. Yes, they take the time to emphasize the important words like can and cannot.

4. Tapao - When you want your order to go, you just say tapao. Faster to say than take-away, take-out, to-go.

Channeling Erin Brockovich, "Suba" in Bataan

"So this is what Erin Brockovich felt"

Last weekend, I stayed holed up in my room to complete a job I committed for a friend. Nothing illicit nor illegal, it was just unusual. I was asked to channel Erin Brockovich by reading a bunch of laws and looking for patterns. Interestingly enough, I had fun. I mean surely, these laws are boring, vague and a tad bit outdated, but it was fun because somebody actually wrote these things. I was impressed by how these laws were written, each word was well thought out. I just wish that these laws were "REAL". By real I mean implemented, enforced and respected by the community. I know very little about the industry these laws were made for, but I know a friend who is in that industry and she attests that if these laws were actually in use, her business would be more robust.

Nonetheless, I felt like I did something important for this country. And that is always a good thing.

___________________________

"Suba"

Two weekends ago, I spent my Sunday on a farm. This is no farmville, no organic garden with a posh restaurant. No this is a for-real farm. Our hosts were using hardcore tagalog words like, "Gasak, giik, suba" in their conversation. They are a classic farming family and it inspired me to aspire having one. Seriously, I want one! The idea of picking fruit fresh from trees, being surrounded by miles of "palay", fresh air. Ahh. It was beautiful and fun! Time crept so slow that Sunday that I felt the true definition of being relaxed. Is it because if the world goes crumbles at that moment, we're surrounded by food and won't die as fast as those plagued by a lack of access to food? Is it because this is a place where life is cultivated, allowed to creep slowly in time and it was okay to just exist without being rushed to do everything all the time? This is heaven for a procrastinator like me.

But getting there was a long drive, and for once, I'm so happy that I didn't have to be the driver that day.

___________________________

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

*Try naman natin ang Tagalog, as inspired by a blog I've read quite recently.

Totoo pala ang Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. As in masakit ang espasyo sa pagitan ng hintuturo at hinlalaki ng kamay ko. Masakit magbukas ng bote at pumindot ng panlipat ng tsanel ng telebisyon. Nabuhay muli ang kaliwang kamay ko, meron pala akong reserbang kamay para sa panlipat ng tsanel ng telebisyon.

Natuklasan kong may ganito akong karamdaman dahil nahirapan akong magmaneho, masakit humawak ng manibela at ng kambiyo ng pangmatagalan. Sana mawala na ito bukas dahil marami pa akong excel file na kailangan usisain. Mahirap mapilay ang kamay sa paggamit ng daga.

War Should Be in the Movies, Not on the Streets

I've been watching a lot of news lately, this unrest in the middle east is unsettling. I hope that the OFW's out there are safe, if they can get out, I hope they do, soon. Is People Power finally catching on? Have those been trapped under the pain of dictatorship finally waking up to a new way of life?

Zap.Gibberish.

Right now, my brain is trying to comprehend where it is. And figuring out what work I've still got to sort through tonight. Oh yes, and the virtual lecture. I still have that today. So sleepy, so tired, so zapped out of my brain.

After the first game this morning, my heart literally was beating so fast against my chest that I thought I'd just collapse, and maybe faint. I had to catch my breath so many times during the game that my playing partner called me out, and said that he could cover more ground if I admit to feeling tired. I said, no, I'm not tired, and pushed my legs to move and played through the next two hours. Surely, one of the toughest days I've had on the court. Most of the guys thought I had a strong play, although they all said I need to run more.

I think the not sleeping adequately because of work, not getting any treadmill action, and eating less calories have made me ragged, exhausted and torn up this morning. And let's not forget to add to that list the traffic that I have to deal with when I'm trekking out to Manila. I will keep on bitching about it for as long as it's holding up my schedule.