Pilit Kung Pilit

Having an extremely selfless partner drives you to question your blatant selfishness. Alipin sanguiguilid, I genuinely believe that he is one of the most dedicated doctors of his hospital. He passes up the chance to eat lunch just to tend to patients. Having known this, on certain occasions, I send him food, which I found out, he shares with his co-residents and the staff nurses that work with him. Mind you, I don't send him much, but he makes it a point to share the little I send him, so much so that I've made sure I send more than enough so that he gets to eat well even though he tends to share. He fits me into his schedule as best as he can, sometimes he asks me about my day, and I give him a rundown of the trivial bits of my daily engagements and routines. He listens to be babble as he walks home to his dorm, after being trapped in the hospital for more than 36 hours of work. Then he tells me that he's only had 2 hours of sleep and one decent meal during the tour of his duty.

Old School

Yesterday, I had a roll of film developed. The pictures are amazing, not exactly as fine as the digital cameras of today, but the pictures have a soft quality that is so pleasing to the eye. I know how convenient photography has become thanks to the digital age, the instant replay factor that allows for immediate editing is a good development in photography. It effectively saves on film and printing. But then again, the element of anticipation and surprise is gone. For all the pictures that were taken on my film camera, I had to risk getting a bad picture for those that I took myself with me in it and if I asked a third party to shoot it for me, I had to trust that person to get the picture right. There were no instant replays, each shot had to be the right one. Film cameras also require patience, it's knowing exactly when to take that shot, with the best lighting, best angles, in order for the pictures to come out beautifully. Much in the same way as waiting for the right one. Where everything is disposable, it is easy to fall into the trap of getting by with whatever comes along, anyway, with the power of instant replays, editing, deleting, is very easy and convenient. I would still like to believe that hearts are not so disposable. Waiting for that perfect shot, that perfect match, that perfect guy is like shooting a picture using a film camera. Figuring out where the light shines best, where the angles are perfect takes time, much like waiting patiently for the knight in the shining armor to come along. He will come along, if you wait long enough, if you are patient with the process. if you take what old school has to give. But old school has its own perils, not having the instant replay option can be a source of anxiety. This is where trust plays its biggest role. Just because the answers aren't as instantly available doesn't mean that it's doomed to fail. No. That just means you have to trust more, that you have to wait to consume all the shots of the film before having it printed out.

Ask Me Again Why

It's funny how hearing the cheesiest lines takes a lot out of me to get used to. Initially, I was hesitant to show signs of being "cheesy" and yet, here I am, just like every other love smitten girl, blushing at the sight of her cutie, hiding behind her giggly laugh. It's not really a willful activity, it's that combination of my stomach turning and my head wheezing with emotions that creates that propensity to be cheesy a reality. It's that subtle falling into the trap of listening to romantic songs and understanding exactly what they mean. I never thought I'd be one of those girls who just keeps rereading messages and still feeling like the first time she's read those lines.

Lego and Love

It's hard to explain.... when there are too many things going on. I'm glad I have time to process all of it, I've always let things happen so fast, until such time that I am severely overwhelmed by everything that's going on and I lose sight of what I can take. But I have time to process now, and more importantly, I have time to appreciate.

It's not at all mushy as I thought it would be, it's just simply looking at the eyes of the one you love and seeing everything impossible is yours to keep. It's a crazy notion, to feel so strong when all you do is share a friendship and choose to love one another. It's exponentially compounding the possibilities of your own life in another's - if that at all is possible. Maybe it is.


Lyrics to Lego House by Ed Sheeran
I'm gonna pick up the pieces,
and build a lego house
if things go wrong we can knock it down

My three words have two meanings,
there's one thing on my mind
It's all for you

And it's dark in a cold December,
but I've got ya to keep me warm
and if you're broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now, now

I'm gonna paint you by numbers
and colour you in
if things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before
and I will surrender up my heart
and swap it for yours

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

Don't hold me down
I think my braces are breaking
and it's more than I can take

And if it's dark in a cold December,
I've got ya to keep me warm
and if you're broken then I will mend ya
and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I will love you better now

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done
I think I love you better now

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
and out of all these things I've done
I will love you better now

Strength from Deep Within

When you let God take over, you stop feeling unhappy. The world becomes yours, opportunities open up, relationships become sweeter, love becomes a reality that overwhelms your systems and you become hypersensitive to the good of the world. The fears in your heart disappear and the shadows of the past fade away ever so quickly. You feel a surge of strength come from deep within, like you can take on the world's craziness without breaking into a sweat.

Sometimes, I think I'd wake up from this dream and it'll all be over, but I'm not dreaming, this is apparently real.

It took a while to get here, but I am here now.

Brian McKnight's Fall 5.0

I can see clearly even if I was blind
You've got me really going out of my mind
Things that you whisper soft in my ear
Words I've been wanting so long to hear

I don't know if it's real but I know how I feel
It's so crazy, so amazing
You can take me now

Got my back against the wall
Feels like I'm standing ten feet tall
On the ledge, too close to call
If you push I just might fall

I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall

When you're not near me I long for your touch
When you're right here with me I can't get enough
The way I used to think, girl, will never be the same
You reside deeply in my heart and my brain

I don't know if it's real but I know how I feel
It's so amazing, so crazy
I can't shake you now

Got my back against the wall
Feels like I'm standing ten feet tall
On the ledge, too close to call
If you push I just might fall

I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall

Each and every moment without you is moment
Thinking about you and nothing will ever be the same
Waited a lifetime to find you, just want to stay right beside you
I won't let it slip away

Got my back against the wall
Feels like I'm standing ten feet tall
On the ledge, too close to call
But if you push, I just might fall

I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall
I just might fall

That Split Second

Once in a while, you get that split second moment when everything literally stops, the world slows down, you hear your heartbeat so loudly from your chest, you feel your breaths, you watch the world from outside yourself, in utter disbelief that the world is moving without you entangled in it -- that is the very moment when your life changes, when things become extraordinarily spectacular. That split second is coated with both fear and excitement, you can't explain it but you're both afraid and elated at the same time. It's that moment where you pick up your pencil when you're taking the board exams, it's that moment where you hold the wheel of your car for the first time, it's that first intramuscular injection that you have to give to a crying baby, it's that moment when you know in your heart that the things are changing, moving, forcing you to let go.

If you have a moment to make things extraordinarily spectacular, would you take it?

Christmas Rush

It's that time of the year... when traffic is so bad it hurts. Seriously, somebody should tell the road diggers at our place that it is not reasonable to do waterworks/roadworks/anti-flooding repairs during this time of the year because everyone is outside, rushing to go to the malls, shopping for gifts, buying exorbitant amounts of food, attending Christmas parties and just being outside.

Dodged Another Bullet

I keep getting lucky.

Last Saturday, I twisted my knee and I thought I tore a ligament. So I limped my way through the malls, the meet-ups with friends. I crawled my way through the day, I injured my left knee so it didn't affect my driving.

I couldn't sleep last Saturday then the impending doom feeling came and I felt like I couldn't recover. Maybe it's time to retire the racket?

Then I woke up this morning, feeling a hundred percent better.

Good Mood Runneth Over

When I am at a crossroads, I drive my car to run away from it, but when I want to deal with it, I walk and sometimes I even run. I haven't been able to keep my weight down because of school and work, my decision to stop school temporarily has since paid off, I am beginning to lose weight once more. My knees are a bit rusty, but I know I can regain the stamina and endurance I worked hard to build before this shift to a sedentary lifestyle.

I don't want to let go of this endorphin high. :)

Two Years Ago, A Tribute

Today, I decided to listen to this song, a sort of tribute to a history that almost burned me alive about two years ago. I remember the drama and everything else that went along with it. It's strange to remember these things. Sometimes I wish I had an erase button, or a cat litter to bury it under. And yet, these are the battle scars that lead to the understanding, of "Now, you know better."

Possession

Sarah Mchlachlan

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I’ve stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
You words keep me alive

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander
It’s morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won’t be denied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

So maybe this Susan didn't figure it out right away, but then again, who would take the time to?

Mantra

Kapag gusto, may paraan.

Kapag ayaw, may dahilan.

Kapag may alak, may balak.

Kapag panatag, may laban.

For Reals

I was busy for most of today and I still hate Mondays, with passion.

Monday morning is like getting splashed on the face with ice-cold water. I literally had to drag my consciousness to get work done today. I had three and a half cups of coffee and I was still sleepy for most of the day. I guess, my brain resisted to cooperate because it was a Monday.

Yawn. Nonsense as always.

Chasing Bubbles.

I am officially distracted. Today is supposed to be the day that I get at least one FMA done but here I am, struggling with the fact that the deadline is hanging over my head with the urge to procrastinate not getting any weaker. Sure we all have days that are well, lazier than every other day. But I am not lazy, just distracted.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that my diesel-powered heart is having a hard time catching up. How do I get out of this loop? Dunno. I am still on the fence of whether or not I should get myself enrolled next semester. I really want to take the research class, but I don't know if I'm actually ready for it. I think I have to decide after the practicum on the 17th. I don't know how to move forward with that.

And then there's the work condition, let's add that to the mix. Should I go back now? Man, too much decisions, too little brainpower to actually get it done. I must not get distracted, I must find the strength to concentrate and get the deadlines through. No happy lemons until the FMAs get done. I heart Green tea with Rock salt and Cheese. I'm gonna buy a liter once I'm done with these drasted requirements.

I'm getting good advice from two girls that are chatting about cuties here at Starbucks. It's funny how easily people talk about their relationship concerns. They've been talking about chasing and being chased by men for the greater part of the last hour. I think they are close to verbalizing that their biological clocks are ticking loudly in their ear.

I've been wanting to get better with the time management but I let myself get distracted. It's a luxury I love to enjoy on a Sunday afternoon. And I often regret doing it once the deadline approaches. Yes. I have to get out of this bubble I've created.

Impending Doom

Last night, I couldn't keep myself awake to finish a file for work. So I gave myself 2 hours to sleep, hopefully after a powernap, I'd get enough energy to finish the file. Then I heard the alarm going off, my head and my mind wanted to move, but my body didn't. I was literally screaming in my head to move, but I didn't. Only after a few minutes did my body finally respond.

IT was quite disarming. Is this what comatose patients feel like? Very unnerving.

Coffee + 2 work deadlines + no sleep + monthly hormonal imbalance + 2 exams tomorrow = IMPENDING DOOM

kill me now.

Tuesday's Adventure

Priorities people, priorities.

I rode the LRT to go to my school. I decided that today was the last day of procrastinating the submission of my long overdue paper. I was determined to get it done and over with. So going back to the LRT, I don't really like it very much. I'd rather drive long hours than compromise the boundaries of my personal space. But I have work and I was meeting my friend for lunch, I had to brave the public transport system if I wanted to be prompt for any of my commitments today. It was awful. It was really, really bad. I pretty much survived the trip because I chose to ride the first station of the trip. The rest of Manila had to embrace the awfulness of marginal living.

I use these fancy words because I kept imagining the passengers of the LRT cabs as the chosen ones. Everyone else who did not get to ride the cab were the people who fell outside the margins. And mind you, not everyone of those who didn't get to ride were poor. What I wanted to say to those people, let's call them the marginalized, was "There are alternatives people, other ways of living! There are busses, jeeps, pedicabs, living closer to where you need to be. This does not constitute a respectful way of life, you deserve better! I just got lucky. My mind kept on and on with these snippets of advice and I genuinely felt awful that not everyone could enjoy the luxury I had. Sure, it was uncomfortable and I really really don't like my personal space compromised but I sucked it up and just barreled through. There must be a better way to manage the railway system. They cant keep subjecting their customers to this mental anguish and physical endangerment. I pitied the manong guards and the drivers because they do their best to serve the patrons of the train but they themselves are subjected to so much stress. After alighting my last train ride, I wished that someday they can do better.

So I got through the first step, I got to school, I submitted my paper then I thought, now what? I had to ride that train again and I was hurting. Hurting from the idea that I had to do it all over. My mind was rejecting the idea of wanting to be subjected to that kind of stress once more. But I thought, the rush hour should have passed and I'm going the opposite direction. After riding the wrong train, figuring out my directions, I finally found myself en route to where I needed to go next. There were many routes, but I chose the straight line. The brainless route took the most physical energy - the longest walk, but I'd rather get tired than get lost.

Sleep

Right at this very moment, I want to sleep. I don't want to work, I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything that requires me to be awake. But how can I sleep when I still have 2 deadlines tomorrow, 2 exams on Saturday, 3 late papers?

I think this is what they call living in limbo, neither here nor there, neither in hell nor in heaven.

Loser

My arm still hurts from last Sunday's tournament. I joined another tournament and yet again, I lost poorly. I now have a reputation for losing.

Great!

It was terrible, sure, I can blame a lot of things for the loss -- the lack of sleep due to the cramming I did for school and the never ending list of things to do for work. But that's just a bad cop out. I did work for it, not as much as I trained for the one I joined last July-ish, but I did my time. It still doesn't discount the fact that I didn't win. My partner and I (we played doubles) kept the fights close, but we didn't win one game. Boo.

I also think that my nervousness, my cracking under pressure could've gotten the best of me during the tied at 34 moments. I think we lost 2 games (out of the 5 we played and eventually lost) wherein I had control over the last point. We could've won the match if I wasn't shaking like a leaf. Must learn how to control nervousness. Must learn how not to crack under pressure. Jeez as if money was on the line!

One thing I have to point out though, I made some sweet shots which I was surprised that I could do. Well-placed cross court shots and close to the net shots from the back courts were shots I never thought I could pull off. I learned that if I visualize the shot, my arm will hit the ball perfectly to make it happen. Could this be what they call muscle memory? It felt good. Landing well-placed and clever shots felt like winning the lottery. It was putting more brain than brawn to make it work. I have to work harder. I hope I win at least one game in the next one.

An Epic End

After having watched the second installment of the final movie of Harry Potter yesterday, I felt like they did justice to the characters and to the story lines. A fitting end to what felt like an epic journey. The last time I used the word "epic" to describe a movie was the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I've always felt that the Harry Potter books are a junior version of the Lord of the Rings. The fight of good vs evil, the Davids against the Goliaths, the undertone of Love saves the day drama, the world war 1 and 2 allusions - these were all there. I enjoyed it, and truly, hats off to JK Rowling for making reading a cool thing inspite of the surge of modern entertainment alternatives.

I will always be passionate about reading, about taking the time to sit down, flip through pages, break the spine and highlight pages, even write notes. A book is always the fastest way to travel and the easiest way to dream big.

A beach convert.

After having gone to one of the most beautiful beaches in the Philippines, I am now a convert from a sandhater to a beachlover. The sand was too smooth and clean and perfect that I almost threw away my beach sandals. I felt the sand on my feet and it was just wonderful. Why did I ever hate the beach in the first place? Now, I want to travel travel travel around the Philippines, see the other beaches, and appreciate the simplicity of just sitting on the beach, enjoying a cold mojito, listening to the waves hit the shore. It was the vacay that I didn't want to end.